Life is full of new and exciting events if we only take the time to stop, look around us and listen instead of being so caught up in our daily activities. "Stop and smell the roses" comes to mind as I traverse the paths of this life and now, a new and exciting adventure lies before me. I have just put a contract on a new house in the town of Sawyerville and yes, this is the mythical town from my book, but it is based on a real place, a real city, a real community in suburban America that I will soon be calling my home.
Till next time: Live long, live in peace and live NOW!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Sea Scorpion
Scientists find fossil of enormous bug
By THOMAS WAGNER, Associated Press Writer
LONDON - This was a bug you couldn't swat and definitely couldn't step on. British scientists have stumbled across a fossilized claw, part of an ancient sea scorpion, that is of such large proportion it would make the entire creature the biggest bug ever.
How big? Bigger than you, and at 8 feet long as big as some Smart cars.
The discovery in 390-million-year-old rocks suggests that spiders, insects, crabs and similar creatures were far larger in the past than previously thought, said Simon Braddy, a University of Bristol paleontologist and one of the study's three authors. "This is an amazing discovery," he said Tuesday. "We have known for some time that the fossil record yields monster millipedes, super-sized scorpions, colossal cockroaches, and jumbo dragonflies. But we never realized until now just how big some of these ancient creepy-crawlies were," he said.
The research found a type of sea scorpion that was almost half a yard longer than previous estimates and the largest one ever to have evolved.
The study, published online Tuesday in the Royal Society's journal Biology Letters, means that before this sea scorpion became extinct it was much longer than today's average man is tall. Prof. Jeorg W. Schneider, a paleontologist at Freiberg Mining Academy in southeastern Germany, said the study provides valuable new information about "the last of the giant scorpions." Schneider, who was not involved in the study, said these scorpions "were dominant for millions of years because they didn't have natural enemies. Eventually they were wiped out by large fish with jaws and teeth."
Braddy's partner paleontologist Markus Poschmann found the claw fossil several years ago in a quarry near Prum, Germany, that probably had once been an ancient estuary or swamp. "I was loosening pieces of rock with a hammer and chisel when I suddenly realized there was a dark patch of organic matter on a freshly removed slab. After some cleaning I could identify this as a small part of a large claw," said Poschmann, another author of the study. "Although I did not know if it was more complete or not, I decided to try and get it out. The pieces had to be cleaned separately, dried, and then glued back together. It was then put into a white plaster jacket to stabilize it," he said.
Eurypterids, or ancient sea scorpions, are believed to be the extinct aquatic ancestors of today's scorpions and possibly all arachnids, a class of joint-legged, invertebrate animals, including spiders, scorpions, mites and ticks. Braddy said the fossil was from a Jaekelopterus Rhenaniae, a kind of scorpion that lived only in Germany for about 10 million years, about 400 million years ago. He said some geologists believe that gigantic sea scorpions evolved due to higher levels of oxygen in the atmosphere in the past. Others suspect they evolved in an "arms race" alongside their likely prey, fish that had armor on their outer bodies. Braddy said the sea scorpions also were cannibals that fought and ate one other, so it helped to be as big as they could be. "The competition between this scorpion and its prey was probably like a nuclear standoff, an effort to have the biggest weapon," he said. "Hundreds of millions of years ago, these sea scorpions had the upper hand over vertebrates — backboned animals like ourselves." That competition ended long ago.
But the next time you swat a fly, or squish a spider at home, Braddy said, try to "think about the insects that lived long ago. You wouldn't want to swat one of those."
Of course, this creature from long ago is nothing like the Black Scorpion that walks the earth today, so BEWARE!
By THOMAS WAGNER, Associated Press Writer
LONDON - This was a bug you couldn't swat and definitely couldn't step on. British scientists have stumbled across a fossilized claw, part of an ancient sea scorpion, that is of such large proportion it would make the entire creature the biggest bug ever.
How big? Bigger than you, and at 8 feet long as big as some Smart cars.
The discovery in 390-million-year-old rocks suggests that spiders, insects, crabs and similar creatures were far larger in the past than previously thought, said Simon Braddy, a University of Bristol paleontologist and one of the study's three authors. "This is an amazing discovery," he said Tuesday. "We have known for some time that the fossil record yields monster millipedes, super-sized scorpions, colossal cockroaches, and jumbo dragonflies. But we never realized until now just how big some of these ancient creepy-crawlies were," he said.
The research found a type of sea scorpion that was almost half a yard longer than previous estimates and the largest one ever to have evolved.
The study, published online Tuesday in the Royal Society's journal Biology Letters, means that before this sea scorpion became extinct it was much longer than today's average man is tall. Prof. Jeorg W. Schneider, a paleontologist at Freiberg Mining Academy in southeastern Germany, said the study provides valuable new information about "the last of the giant scorpions." Schneider, who was not involved in the study, said these scorpions "were dominant for millions of years because they didn't have natural enemies. Eventually they were wiped out by large fish with jaws and teeth."
Braddy's partner paleontologist Markus Poschmann found the claw fossil several years ago in a quarry near Prum, Germany, that probably had once been an ancient estuary or swamp. "I was loosening pieces of rock with a hammer and chisel when I suddenly realized there was a dark patch of organic matter on a freshly removed slab. After some cleaning I could identify this as a small part of a large claw," said Poschmann, another author of the study. "Although I did not know if it was more complete or not, I decided to try and get it out. The pieces had to be cleaned separately, dried, and then glued back together. It was then put into a white plaster jacket to stabilize it," he said.
Eurypterids, or ancient sea scorpions, are believed to be the extinct aquatic ancestors of today's scorpions and possibly all arachnids, a class of joint-legged, invertebrate animals, including spiders, scorpions, mites and ticks. Braddy said the fossil was from a Jaekelopterus Rhenaniae, a kind of scorpion that lived only in Germany for about 10 million years, about 400 million years ago. He said some geologists believe that gigantic sea scorpions evolved due to higher levels of oxygen in the atmosphere in the past. Others suspect they evolved in an "arms race" alongside their likely prey, fish that had armor on their outer bodies. Braddy said the sea scorpions also were cannibals that fought and ate one other, so it helped to be as big as they could be. "The competition between this scorpion and its prey was probably like a nuclear standoff, an effort to have the biggest weapon," he said. "Hundreds of millions of years ago, these sea scorpions had the upper hand over vertebrates — backboned animals like ourselves." That competition ended long ago.
But the next time you swat a fly, or squish a spider at home, Braddy said, try to "think about the insects that lived long ago. You wouldn't want to swat one of those."
Of course, this creature from long ago is nothing like the Black Scorpion that walks the earth today, so BEWARE!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
AM
Couldn’t take all this anymore
So, what if I just fell to the floor
Oh, tell me what would you do?
Would you laugh in my face
And tell me to break?
Oh, tell me what would you do?
So, you say that you want more
Well what are you waiting for?
So, go ahead and slam that door
‘cause all I wanted was you
But now I’m finished with you
So, go ahead and slam that door!
You tried to make me someone else
‘cause I didn’t fit your mold
And nothing seemed to change
I finally found myself
Who I really am inside
And nothing seemed to change!
Oh, tell me what would you do?
I’m not running from you.
So, go ahead and slam that door
We’re finished for sure!
And nothing seemed to change
Now this is who I really, really am.
So, what if I just fell to the floor
Oh, tell me what would you do?
Would you laugh in my face
And tell me to break?
Oh, tell me what would you do?
So, you say that you want more
Well what are you waiting for?
So, go ahead and slam that door
‘cause all I wanted was you
But now I’m finished with you
So, go ahead and slam that door!
You tried to make me someone else
‘cause I didn’t fit your mold
And nothing seemed to change
I finally found myself
Who I really am inside
And nothing seemed to change!
Oh, tell me what would you do?
I’m not running from you.
So, go ahead and slam that door
We’re finished for sure!
And nothing seemed to change
Now this is who I really, really am.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Walk Away
You're no better than me,
And here we are, fighting and trying to hide the scars.
So, I'll be home tonight, to take a breath and say goodbye, goodbye.
The road I walk is a lonely one,
And one that I should walk alone.
So why are you so eager to again betray?
The beauty queen has lost her crown again.
So why are you the one that walks away?
Then, keep moving on until forever ends.
So, I'll be home tonight, to take a breath and say goodbye, goodbye.
And here we are, fighting and trying to hide the scars.
So, I'll be home tonight, to take a breath and say goodbye, goodbye.
The road I walk is a lonely one,
And one that I should walk alone.
So why are you so eager to again betray?
The beauty queen has lost her crown again.
So why are you the one that walks away?
Then, keep moving on until forever ends.
So, I'll be home tonight, to take a breath and say goodbye, goodbye.
Dance
Helpless I lie and left for dead,
With eyes closed, so many days go by,
You find what’s wrong,
And nothing’s ever right in your sight.
I believed in YOU,
Now I can see right through,
Those thinly veiled lies of yours.
So, I won’t stay long,
In your world gone so wrong.
I say goodbye, as I dance with the devil tonight,
I don’t dare look her in the eye,
As I dance with the devil tonight.
Feeling her cold dead eyes,
Stealing this life of mine.
So, I won’t stay long,
In your world gone so wrong.
And I must hold on,
Hold on.
With eyes closed, so many days go by,
You find what’s wrong,
And nothing’s ever right in your sight.
I believed in YOU,
Now I can see right through,
Those thinly veiled lies of yours.
So, I won’t stay long,
In your world gone so wrong.
I say goodbye, as I dance with the devil tonight,
I don’t dare look her in the eye,
As I dance with the devil tonight.
Feeling her cold dead eyes,
Stealing this life of mine.
So, I won’t stay long,
In your world gone so wrong.
And I must hold on,
Hold on.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Gone
Maybe I’m just getting cold,
‘cause I’m sure not getting old,
now, you used to have a heart,
but now it’s just a stone,
and though I’m standing here,
know that I’m already long gone.
Gone baby, gone
with no one to hold,
gone baby, gone
and the seeds are all planted,
only our shadows will remain,
after we’re gone baby, gone
So, we’ve got some time,
to make a dream,
but I can’t read your mind,
so tell me what you’re thinking,
with no one to hold,
gone baby, gone…
‘cause I’m sure not getting old,
now, you used to have a heart,
but now it’s just a stone,
and though I’m standing here,
know that I’m already long gone.
Gone baby, gone
with no one to hold,
gone baby, gone
and the seeds are all planted,
only our shadows will remain,
after we’re gone baby, gone
So, we’ve got some time,
to make a dream,
but I can’t read your mind,
so tell me what you’re thinking,
with no one to hold,
gone baby, gone…
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Off and Running
Woo-Hoo!!! The first draft of "The Roberts: Deceit in Love" has been sent to the editor!! This is just a working title for now, I'm still trying to come up with a title that will really grab the readers attention. Any Suggestions???
Till next time: Live in Peace, Live to the fullest and Live NOW.
Till next time: Live in Peace, Live to the fullest and Live NOW.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Stage
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,”
William Shakespeare – As You Like It
Yes, we are all merely players on the world’s stage, acting out our bit parts as part of the whole drama, moving from scene to scene, act to act and performance to performance. We are experts at playing who we are on this stage, though some of us are well versed and adept at playing other than our recognized or revealed roles.
Some of us seamlessly slip like shadows between our character roles without leaving any evidence, inkling or suspicions as to who we really are for the world to discern; this is the art of being an actor, while others of us are locked into a single role and unable or unwilling to step out of character. Those who are unwilling or unable to step into other roles or characters are often those very same individuals who blame others for their misfortunes or society in general for their lack of status or opportunities. These individuals are akin to the leopard that cannot change his own spots; after all his spots are what makes him a leopard and therefore, unique and different from any other creature on this stage.
I have learned, no adapted to multiple roles, playing multiple characters and seamlessly slipping between the shadows cast upon the world’s theater. Like an accomplished Shakespearian actor I have adapted my character to the may and varying roles that I am confronted with each and every day. I will be cold and heartless when my role requires it, guarded and protective when the play transitions into the personal realms and inquisitive and learning when I’m involved in seeking out information.
Like the accomplished actor, I have adapted and I am able to immerse myself in whatever role I take on and I simply become a chameleon of sorts, slipping from character to character as the play transitions from act to act or scene to scene. As I have taken on new roles, I have also acquired new skills and exhibited new talents that never existed before all from deeply immersing myself into the roles that I must play.
As an example, I have become quite adept at throwing darts and playing pool, acquiring both of these skills were necessary for me as I moved onto a new venue and became part of a new play to assimilate and acquire information. I have made new friends who only know me by my stage name because that’s the only name that I have chosen to reveal to them. Yet, as I have immersed myself into this role and become one with the character, those around me have opened up and revealed many disconcerting and enlightening tidbits of information.
Yes, all the world’s a stage and we are all but actors playing out our parts, however I have found it to be very refreshing and enlightening to move beyond my chosen role, to change my nature, so to speak and become many different characters in this theatrical production. I have found the challenge of immersing and becoming different cast members to be truly exciting and thrilling.
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,”
William Shakespeare – As You Like It
Yes, we are all merely players on the world’s stage, acting out our bit parts as part of the whole drama, moving from scene to scene, act to act and performance to performance. We are experts at playing who we are on this stage, though some of us are well versed and adept at playing other than our recognized or revealed roles.
Some of us seamlessly slip like shadows between our character roles without leaving any evidence, inkling or suspicions as to who we really are for the world to discern; this is the art of being an actor, while others of us are locked into a single role and unable or unwilling to step out of character. Those who are unwilling or unable to step into other roles or characters are often those very same individuals who blame others for their misfortunes or society in general for their lack of status or opportunities. These individuals are akin to the leopard that cannot change his own spots; after all his spots are what makes him a leopard and therefore, unique and different from any other creature on this stage.
I have learned, no adapted to multiple roles, playing multiple characters and seamlessly slipping between the shadows cast upon the world’s theater. Like an accomplished Shakespearian actor I have adapted my character to the may and varying roles that I am confronted with each and every day. I will be cold and heartless when my role requires it, guarded and protective when the play transitions into the personal realms and inquisitive and learning when I’m involved in seeking out information.
Like the accomplished actor, I have adapted and I am able to immerse myself in whatever role I take on and I simply become a chameleon of sorts, slipping from character to character as the play transitions from act to act or scene to scene. As I have taken on new roles, I have also acquired new skills and exhibited new talents that never existed before all from deeply immersing myself into the roles that I must play.
As an example, I have become quite adept at throwing darts and playing pool, acquiring both of these skills were necessary for me as I moved onto a new venue and became part of a new play to assimilate and acquire information. I have made new friends who only know me by my stage name because that’s the only name that I have chosen to reveal to them. Yet, as I have immersed myself into this role and become one with the character, those around me have opened up and revealed many disconcerting and enlightening tidbits of information.
Yes, all the world’s a stage and we are all but actors playing out our parts, however I have found it to be very refreshing and enlightening to move beyond my chosen role, to change my nature, so to speak and become many different characters in this theatrical production. I have found the challenge of immersing and becoming different cast members to be truly exciting and thrilling.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Meaningless
When it comes to relationships (platonic or otherwise), I've gone through enough ups and downs with people to know that some relationships are worth preserving, no matter how much of your attention or energy you have to expend to maintain them.
And then there are the people you hold at arm's length, who may have rubbed you the wrong way at one point or the other, but after a moment's anger, you just shrug them off and continue to be friendly because it's much more arduous bearing the grudge than to be civil at worse and besides, you’ve realized that they're more or less insignificant in your life and any feelings of resentment that you may bear is more because of your battered ego than any real, lasting hurt.
So, what happens when someone you deeply loved as a friend, a confidant or as a lover, becomes one of those insignificant, meaningless people of your life? Or when something she does that would normally cut you to the core is now only a trifle disconcerting. Or when you realize you no longer think of her warmheartedly. Either way, you've lost all of your respect and love for her; what happens then?
I have been there, no I am there. I have many friends and a family I would never forsake, I have been through arduous trials with them and I know they were worth every bit of my effort that I exerted for them. Conversely, I have been forgotten, shattered and emotionally damaged beyond repair by others who were once the people I lived for.
I am someone today who is who he is because of what he has been through. I am very, very slow to trust, but when I do trust someone, I give it implicitly with no holds barred. I try as often as possible not to hold double standards, though most people do, even down to the smallest detail and I am often indecisive as a result. I am a cold, callous cynic but I wasn't always one; I was romantic, idealistic and naive.
So, how does your past affect your future?
I choke when I try to say "I love you" to someone, even if I do love them, because words have a kind of power of finality, of confirming what you think and how you feel and I am afraid of letting anyone see that. And these words, “I love you” sound strange and thick on my tongue now due to my new found cynical nature.
I like to and do have escape routes planned down to the smallest of details now so that no one will be able to find a way into my heart. And I have no qualms about being skeptical and cold to people who have hurt me one time too many, second chances to me are final chances, and even if it's not enough I have nothing else to offer except a polite indifference. I will walk out on everything if it means that I can protect myself.
The worst of all sins are borne out of love. People die for love all the time, though I cannot imagine why. My personal sin is making myself unhappy because I do not, cannot and will not afford myself another chance at love.
So this all boils down to what happens when someone you love becomes one of those insignificant people in your life?
With me, I walked away. I left my heart, my trust and respect trodden and spat on in the dirt along with any remnants of what might have been a delectable morsel of happiness.
And then there are the people you hold at arm's length, who may have rubbed you the wrong way at one point or the other, but after a moment's anger, you just shrug them off and continue to be friendly because it's much more arduous bearing the grudge than to be civil at worse and besides, you’ve realized that they're more or less insignificant in your life and any feelings of resentment that you may bear is more because of your battered ego than any real, lasting hurt.
So, what happens when someone you deeply loved as a friend, a confidant or as a lover, becomes one of those insignificant, meaningless people of your life? Or when something she does that would normally cut you to the core is now only a trifle disconcerting. Or when you realize you no longer think of her warmheartedly. Either way, you've lost all of your respect and love for her; what happens then?
I have been there, no I am there. I have many friends and a family I would never forsake, I have been through arduous trials with them and I know they were worth every bit of my effort that I exerted for them. Conversely, I have been forgotten, shattered and emotionally damaged beyond repair by others who were once the people I lived for.
I am someone today who is who he is because of what he has been through. I am very, very slow to trust, but when I do trust someone, I give it implicitly with no holds barred. I try as often as possible not to hold double standards, though most people do, even down to the smallest detail and I am often indecisive as a result. I am a cold, callous cynic but I wasn't always one; I was romantic, idealistic and naive.
So, how does your past affect your future?
I choke when I try to say "I love you" to someone, even if I do love them, because words have a kind of power of finality, of confirming what you think and how you feel and I am afraid of letting anyone see that. And these words, “I love you” sound strange and thick on my tongue now due to my new found cynical nature.
I like to and do have escape routes planned down to the smallest of details now so that no one will be able to find a way into my heart. And I have no qualms about being skeptical and cold to people who have hurt me one time too many, second chances to me are final chances, and even if it's not enough I have nothing else to offer except a polite indifference. I will walk out on everything if it means that I can protect myself.
The worst of all sins are borne out of love. People die for love all the time, though I cannot imagine why. My personal sin is making myself unhappy because I do not, cannot and will not afford myself another chance at love.
So this all boils down to what happens when someone you love becomes one of those insignificant people in your life?
With me, I walked away. I left my heart, my trust and respect trodden and spat on in the dirt along with any remnants of what might have been a delectable morsel of happiness.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Warning
I am firm believer in the idea that if you can't be a good example, you have an social obligation to be a horrible warning, so you've been warned and you must beware....
Friday, October 5, 2007
Loathing
What am I now feeling?
This flood of emotions,
So sudden and so new?
I felt this rush the moment I laid my eyes upon you.
My pulse is racing,
My head is spinning,
My face is blushing,
What IS this that I’m feeling?
It’s burning fervidly in my chest,
And now I begin to wonder,
“Does this feeling have a name?”
Yes, yes I do believe it does...
Loathing; Pure Loathing
For your face, your voice, your clothing
You’re so faux,
So, let's just say.
I loathe every part of you!
Every little trait, no matter however small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
Along with this utterly simple loathing
There comes a strange delight
And such total revulsion
So unadulterated and intoxicating!
Though this feeling, it came on fast
I do, still believe that it will last
So, just to let you know
I will be loathing, Loathing you
My whole life through!
This flood of emotions,
So sudden and so new?
I felt this rush the moment I laid my eyes upon you.
My pulse is racing,
My head is spinning,
My face is blushing,
What IS this that I’m feeling?
It’s burning fervidly in my chest,
And now I begin to wonder,
“Does this feeling have a name?”
Yes, yes I do believe it does...
Loathing; Pure Loathing
For your face, your voice, your clothing
You’re so faux,
So, let's just say.
I loathe every part of you!
Every little trait, no matter however small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
Along with this utterly simple loathing
There comes a strange delight
And such total revulsion
So unadulterated and intoxicating!
Though this feeling, it came on fast
I do, still believe that it will last
So, just to let you know
I will be loathing, Loathing you
My whole life through!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Heartless
You have had your heart removed by a betrayal and You are the Robot!
You are characterized by your rationality. In fact, this is really ALL you are characterized by. Like a cold, heartless machine, you are so logical and unemotional that you scarcely seem human. For instance, you are very humble and don't bother thinking of your own interests, you are very gentle and lack emotion, and you are also very introverted and introspective. You may have noticed that these traits are just as applicable to your laptop as they are to a human being. You are not like the robots they show in the movies. Movie robots are make-believe, because they always get all personable and likeable after being struck by lightning, or they are cold, cruel killing machines. In all reality, though, you are much more boring than all that. Real robots just sit there, doing their stupid jobs, and doing little else. If you get struck by lightning, you won't develop a winning personality and heart of gold. (Robots don't have hearts, silly, and if they did, they would probably be made of steel, not gold.) You also won't be likely to terrorize humanity by becoming an ultra-violent killing machine sent into the past to kill the mother of a child who will lead a rebellion against machines, because that movie was dumb as hell, and because real robots don't kill--they horribly maim at best, and they don't even do that on purpose. Real robots are boringly kind and all too rarely try to kill people. In all my years, my laptop has only attacked me once, and that was only because my brother threw it at me. In short, your personality defect is that you don't really HAVE a personality. You are one of those annoying, super-logical people that never gets upset or flustered. Unless, of course, you short circuit. Or if someone throws a pie at you. Pies sure are delicious.
To put it less negatively:
1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.
2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.
3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.
4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.
Wants
I want something I can’t have…. And please take note that I said I want something that I can’t have and not I need something that I can’t have. There is a Mariana Trench full of differences between what we want and what we need and most people just don’t realize this nor are they willing to even acknowledge that the differences exist. But I digress and this is a discussion better left for a later date.
You would be amazed how often I find myself in this situation. I am known for this and my mind wrestles with it daily, so the question I am asking is how should I handle it? I know there is a wide range of possible wants but can’t haves here (from opening my heart up to someone special to the very sexy lady I met in another state or even that chocolate candy bar calling my name), but in general what is the best way to cope when confronted with a bad case of the “wants?”
Well, now I try to avoid what I can’t have and I just walk away and don’t look back (and this means I have to put another brick in the wall around what’s left of my heart.) There’s no point in staring it down if it will never be mine, right? But then there is that other option I sometime choose or maybe it simply chooses me, I’m not really quite sure which it is. I become almost obsessed with it, I examine almost every detail until I find something I don’t want or need in it anymore. This “Ten Point Check” is often time consuming and I find myself asking, “Now why didn’t I just walk away earlier?” Not only did I waste my time pondering it but now I don’t want it and I still can’t have it!
Are there any answers out there???
“If you need me to I'll wait until September.
It's come and gone Novembers’ on its way.
So easy to forget and hard to remember,
the way to getting back our self esteem
No regrets. You've got no one left!
I hope that every step,
reminds you of the ones that you left.” One Less Reason
Till next time - Live in peace and live NOW!
You would be amazed how often I find myself in this situation. I am known for this and my mind wrestles with it daily, so the question I am asking is how should I handle it? I know there is a wide range of possible wants but can’t haves here (from opening my heart up to someone special to the very sexy lady I met in another state or even that chocolate candy bar calling my name), but in general what is the best way to cope when confronted with a bad case of the “wants?”
Well, now I try to avoid what I can’t have and I just walk away and don’t look back (and this means I have to put another brick in the wall around what’s left of my heart.) There’s no point in staring it down if it will never be mine, right? But then there is that other option I sometime choose or maybe it simply chooses me, I’m not really quite sure which it is. I become almost obsessed with it, I examine almost every detail until I find something I don’t want or need in it anymore. This “Ten Point Check” is often time consuming and I find myself asking, “Now why didn’t I just walk away earlier?” Not only did I waste my time pondering it but now I don’t want it and I still can’t have it!
Are there any answers out there???
“If you need me to I'll wait until September.
It's come and gone Novembers’ on its way.
So easy to forget and hard to remember,
the way to getting back our self esteem
No regrets. You've got no one left!
I hope that every step,
reminds you of the ones that you left.” One Less Reason
Till next time - Live in peace and live NOW!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Minds
Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. - Admiral H. G. Rickover
Friday, September 28, 2007
Dreams
Have you ever wondered where a dream goes when it dies?
There must be a place, somewhere in the swirling mists of time where it lies, smothered by its own gathering dust, waiting, hoping for someone else to dream it, to give it life and breath once again. Have you ever tried to dream a dream that had died? It is much like visiting an old sepulcher, like wandering through the cemetery of the mind with piercing eyes looking to and fro and side to side hunting and searching for the lost grave marker. You finally find it through the stillness of the dark recesses of your mind - the unnamed stone marking the final resting site of the dream – tarnished and weathered a little more since the last time you visited, a little moldy from neglect and the damp night air, with the white roses planted beside it to cover the fetid stench of death now overgrown into a maze of un-pruned brambles.
The irony of all of this is that a cemetery is really not a place of death, but rather it is a place of memories, memories where life goes on though stilled in fading stone monuments. A cemetery is but a museum for the aching grief-stricken mind, embalmed in healing silence for the living to experience and the dead to rest in.
I gave up a dream I held on to for the past ten years and it was about time too, because even when things seem to be rosy and bright on the surface, they were slowly consuming me from the inside, eating me alive. My determination to keep this dream alive was not but a vainly disguised form of obstinacy, a tenacious and unwavering persistence for a wrong cause, a wrong principle, a wrong love.
My dream, may it forever rest in peace.
Velocity
The theoretical maximum velocity of a sheep in a vacuum is expressed in sheepsecs (Ssx), calculated as follows:
Speed of light (c) divided by wooldrag (Wd) + Welshmen (Wm), where wooldrag is a species-defined drag coefficient determined by the length and pliability of the fleece and Welshmen is the number of locals who have turned up in their wellies, and are hanging on for dear life.
Wooldrags have recently been calculated by researchers at CERN, and the latest experiments shed some light on the phenomenon, but it is still mysterious. The effect is similar to friction here on Earth, but is due to the interaction of the wool and fluctuations in the quantum vacuum. Researchers have applied to the EU for further funding, but it has been put on hold as a result of the recent outbreak of foot and mouth disease.
For example, an unshorn Welsh Mountain Badger Face, with a wooldrag of 67, chased by three Welshmen will ultimately attain a Ssx of c/(67+3), or 4,282.74 km/sec.
Alternatively, a newly-clipped Finnish Landrace, with a wooldrag of 23, worried by just one Welshman has a theoretical Ssx of c/(23+1), or 12,491 km/sec.
Clearly, the difference in these two results means that a compromise standard is required. The El Reg Ssx uses the classic Cheviot as its sheep of choice, with a wooldrag of 50. Wm is in this case 0, since everyone knows that Welshmen do not in fact have intimate relations with sheep and any reference to the same is just a cheap attempt to drum up laughs.
The Vulture Central standard velocity for a sheep in a vacuum is, therefore, c/(50+0), or 5,995 km/sec.
Speed of light (c) divided by wooldrag (Wd) + Welshmen (Wm), where wooldrag is a species-defined drag coefficient determined by the length and pliability of the fleece and Welshmen is the number of locals who have turned up in their wellies, and are hanging on for dear life.
Wooldrags have recently been calculated by researchers at CERN, and the latest experiments shed some light on the phenomenon, but it is still mysterious. The effect is similar to friction here on Earth, but is due to the interaction of the wool and fluctuations in the quantum vacuum. Researchers have applied to the EU for further funding, but it has been put on hold as a result of the recent outbreak of foot and mouth disease.
For example, an unshorn Welsh Mountain Badger Face, with a wooldrag of 67, chased by three Welshmen will ultimately attain a Ssx of c/(67+3), or 4,282.74 km/sec.
Alternatively, a newly-clipped Finnish Landrace, with a wooldrag of 23, worried by just one Welshman has a theoretical Ssx of c/(23+1), or 12,491 km/sec.
Clearly, the difference in these two results means that a compromise standard is required. The El Reg Ssx uses the classic Cheviot as its sheep of choice, with a wooldrag of 50. Wm is in this case 0, since everyone knows that Welshmen do not in fact have intimate relations with sheep and any reference to the same is just a cheap attempt to drum up laughs.
The Vulture Central standard velocity for a sheep in a vacuum is, therefore, c/(50+0), or 5,995 km/sec.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Live Your Own Life
Ago vestri own vita , vobis mos intereo vestri own nex - Live your own life, for you will die your own death
"What Drives You" Test Results
The WHAT DRIVES YOU Test
4 = Accomplishment , 3 = Love , 0 = Acknowledgment , 0 = Safety
Well done!
As you can see, there are 4 Categories/Outcomes. See in which category you scored the highest and scroll down to read the results.
WHAT HAPPENS if you score the same in several categories? Don't panic, it's actually a GOOD thing. Why? because it actually means you're more balanced and as a reward you get to read more categories here :)
ACCOMPLISHMENT What drives you in life is the NEED for ACCOMPLISHMENT. You appear to have an insatiable taste for success. Most of the time you're very stimulated, both socially and professionally. You succeed where others wouldn't even dare to try anything.
You accomplish a lot of things because you dare! You are both courageous and intuitive.
For you, the most important thing is to believe in something yourself. Problem is, sometimes you're too much of a 'believer' and you get yourself caught up in your dreams for success or ideal love.
Tips: the key to a better self lies in thinking before acting. Your self-confidence and impatience result in taking too many risks. Try to learn to be patient and careful ,take risks only when they appear to be the best solution for the given situation. Don’t rush things too much!
People who fall into this category are usually stubborn. But stubbornness combined with determination and self-assurance can be a tricky mix. Remember, from time to time, to pause and question your motives. Sometimes when we're too focused we continue running ahead and we lose track of important things’-evaluate yourself occasionally.
LOVE What drives you in life is the NEED for LOVE.
Is it maybe because your parents were too indifferent? Did you have a lonely childhood? Or maybe a big emotional deception? In any case, today what matters the most for you is LOVE. Ah,l'Amour! In order to feel fulfilled and alive you need "to love and be loved". For Love you could do anything: change your hairstyle, your life, leave everything and follow the one you love till the end of the world! The DOWNSIDE is that even when someone loves you, it isn't enough! It’s never enough for you is it?!
Tips: Love isn't necessarily romantic love. Learn to appreciate Love in a more general way. You shouldn't keep your love just for your partner, but also your family, friends or simply other people in need. You tend to give yourself to your partners a 100%(body & soul) and you end up scaring them off(you give too much because secretly you expect the same in return, it's called SENTIMENTAL BLACKMAIL. Ask yourself why you give so much? (Come on, be honest with yourself.)Say it out loud! You WANT to be Loved, and you want it badly! But are you really sure if you know WHAT you WANT and what you NEED? Note there's a difference, and YES, it's important. If you learn to love without expecting anything in return, you'll be always pleasantly surprised.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT What drives you in life is the need for ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
Is it because you're too shy or quite the opposite, very self-assured and self-centered?
In any case, you do everything to distinguish yourself in one way or another.
UPSIDE IS: you're very sociable and extroverted, you're probably charismatic, you know how to please, seduce (and not just physically).
DOWNSIDE IS: you feel pretty down when you're isolated or when your merits aren't acknowledged as they should be. Thing is, you're too sensitive to what others think of you or might say about you and it has an important influence on the way you live your life. (Are you sure it's your life?)
Tips: most of us need to be acknowledged for our qualities and merits, to be noticed and appreciated. But remember that the people around us don't live their lives just for the sake of observing us and judging us. Sure it happens occasionally, especially if you live in a small hell-hole, but so do the people around you, and the best way to make them miserable is by proving them how 'free' you are :) - that was a joke (or was it?!). Point being, time flies and we probably have one life, shouldn't you spend it in a way that is the most enjoyable for you? DOES it really matter what your neighbors think of your sex life? your job? your shitty car? Remember (and remind those who don't), ACCEPTANCE is the key, people who love you should accept you for what you are, and if they try to project their wishes on you, remind them that happiness is a different thing for each of us. Start doing things that suit you, not the audience.
SAFETY What drives you in life is the NEED for SAFETY.
You are probably the kind of person who gave up on their childhood dreams, your first ambitions...Today, you have a certain number of achievements in your personal life and in your career. You're quite happy with those, and you try to keep them without 'shaking' things too much. Of course, this has it's advantages. You live in your own little world where all the possibilities of defeat are limited and where you don't risk getting hurt.
Bad surprises don't occur in your life very often. BUT neither do great moments of joy or excitement. You don't even know how much you're missing out on because of your lack of curiosity!!!
Tips: Happiness isn't achieved by avoiding sadness or suffering. You have to get out there and move, take some risks and above all do not refuse CHANGE!
Even better, you should be the one to initiate those changes! Life is constantly offering us a multitude of opportunities to do better, to improve our situation and our life.
You scored higher than 81% on Accomplishment
You scored higher than 72% on Love
You scored higher than 0% on Acknowledgment
You scored higher than 0% on Safety
4 = Accomplishment , 3 = Love , 0 = Acknowledgment , 0 = Safety
Well done!
As you can see, there are 4 Categories/Outcomes. See in which category you scored the highest and scroll down to read the results.
WHAT HAPPENS if you score the same in several categories? Don't panic, it's actually a GOOD thing. Why? because it actually means you're more balanced and as a reward you get to read more categories here :)
ACCOMPLISHMENT What drives you in life is the NEED for ACCOMPLISHMENT. You appear to have an insatiable taste for success. Most of the time you're very stimulated, both socially and professionally. You succeed where others wouldn't even dare to try anything.
You accomplish a lot of things because you dare! You are both courageous and intuitive.
For you, the most important thing is to believe in something yourself. Problem is, sometimes you're too much of a 'believer' and you get yourself caught up in your dreams for success or ideal love.
Tips: the key to a better self lies in thinking before acting. Your self-confidence and impatience result in taking too many risks. Try to learn to be patient and careful ,take risks only when they appear to be the best solution for the given situation. Don’t rush things too much!
People who fall into this category are usually stubborn. But stubbornness combined with determination and self-assurance can be a tricky mix. Remember, from time to time, to pause and question your motives. Sometimes when we're too focused we continue running ahead and we lose track of important things’-evaluate yourself occasionally.
LOVE What drives you in life is the NEED for LOVE.
Is it maybe because your parents were too indifferent? Did you have a lonely childhood? Or maybe a big emotional deception? In any case, today what matters the most for you is LOVE. Ah,l'Amour! In order to feel fulfilled and alive you need "to love and be loved". For Love you could do anything: change your hairstyle, your life, leave everything and follow the one you love till the end of the world! The DOWNSIDE is that even when someone loves you, it isn't enough! It’s never enough for you is it?!
Tips: Love isn't necessarily romantic love. Learn to appreciate Love in a more general way. You shouldn't keep your love just for your partner, but also your family, friends or simply other people in need. You tend to give yourself to your partners a 100%(body & soul) and you end up scaring them off(you give too much because secretly you expect the same in return, it's called SENTIMENTAL BLACKMAIL. Ask yourself why you give so much? (Come on, be honest with yourself.)Say it out loud! You WANT to be Loved, and you want it badly! But are you really sure if you know WHAT you WANT and what you NEED? Note there's a difference, and YES, it's important. If you learn to love without expecting anything in return, you'll be always pleasantly surprised.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT What drives you in life is the need for ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
Is it because you're too shy or quite the opposite, very self-assured and self-centered?
In any case, you do everything to distinguish yourself in one way or another.
UPSIDE IS: you're very sociable and extroverted, you're probably charismatic, you know how to please, seduce (and not just physically).
DOWNSIDE IS: you feel pretty down when you're isolated or when your merits aren't acknowledged as they should be. Thing is, you're too sensitive to what others think of you or might say about you and it has an important influence on the way you live your life. (Are you sure it's your life?)
Tips: most of us need to be acknowledged for our qualities and merits, to be noticed and appreciated. But remember that the people around us don't live their lives just for the sake of observing us and judging us. Sure it happens occasionally, especially if you live in a small hell-hole, but so do the people around you, and the best way to make them miserable is by proving them how 'free' you are :) - that was a joke (or was it?!). Point being, time flies and we probably have one life, shouldn't you spend it in a way that is the most enjoyable for you? DOES it really matter what your neighbors think of your sex life? your job? your shitty car? Remember (and remind those who don't), ACCEPTANCE is the key, people who love you should accept you for what you are, and if they try to project their wishes on you, remind them that happiness is a different thing for each of us. Start doing things that suit you, not the audience.
SAFETY What drives you in life is the NEED for SAFETY.
You are probably the kind of person who gave up on their childhood dreams, your first ambitions...Today, you have a certain number of achievements in your personal life and in your career. You're quite happy with those, and you try to keep them without 'shaking' things too much. Of course, this has it's advantages. You live in your own little world where all the possibilities of defeat are limited and where you don't risk getting hurt.
Bad surprises don't occur in your life very often. BUT neither do great moments of joy or excitement. You don't even know how much you're missing out on because of your lack of curiosity!!!
Tips: Happiness isn't achieved by avoiding sadness or suffering. You have to get out there and move, take some risks and above all do not refuse CHANGE!
Even better, you should be the one to initiate those changes! Life is constantly offering us a multitude of opportunities to do better, to improve our situation and our life.
You scored higher than 81% on Accomplishment
You scored higher than 72% on Love
You scored higher than 0% on Acknowledgment
You scored higher than 0% on Safety
Thursday, September 6, 2007
A Musing
Most recently, I found that I've been fighting a war within my mind, a conflagration of sorts if you will. It seems that the more I discover about myself; my likes, my wants, my needs, my desires, the more I wish I was someone else. And I found that I want to be someone in particular who is cold and callous, without any regard for the feelings of others. I want to be someone who is self-centered, vain, conceited, high maintenance and has to be the center of attention all the time. I want to be someone who can turn and walk away from commitments and relationships without giving any reasons why or even caring beyond their own primal desire for excitement. Perhaps I want to be someone just like you.
And then I found that if I were watching myself from high above, you know, the proverbial thirty thousand foot view, I would probably see my shoulders sagging, with my eyes lowered as I plod along listening intently and without blinking to a song on the radio that echoes through my mind from long ago, “Someone saved my life tonight...someone saved my life tonight...” From this vantage point, it appears that I am just going about my worldly struggles in a zombie like state with a demon pursuing and barking after me like some rabid dog. I attempt to chase it away and I try and scare it off, I even laugh at it, but most of the time, to preserve what little sanity I have left, I simply pretend I don't even see or hear it. When I do ignore it, it goes away for a day or two but it always sniffs its way me back like a blood hound on the trail of its prey. And each time it returns with madness glowing in its eyes and looking a little different than the time before. Sometimes I simply fight it again; and sometimes I let it consume and devour me. I guess this feeling is all the more reason to want to be more like you.
So, last night, I finally slept in the darkness, the black, black darkness. I closed my eyes and prayed until I lost count of my own words, my own thoughts, until I drifted to an abyss as deep as the gaping hole in my soul all the while wishing I was just like you.
Till next time: Live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.
And then I found that if I were watching myself from high above, you know, the proverbial thirty thousand foot view, I would probably see my shoulders sagging, with my eyes lowered as I plod along listening intently and without blinking to a song on the radio that echoes through my mind from long ago, “Someone saved my life tonight...someone saved my life tonight...” From this vantage point, it appears that I am just going about my worldly struggles in a zombie like state with a demon pursuing and barking after me like some rabid dog. I attempt to chase it away and I try and scare it off, I even laugh at it, but most of the time, to preserve what little sanity I have left, I simply pretend I don't even see or hear it. When I do ignore it, it goes away for a day or two but it always sniffs its way me back like a blood hound on the trail of its prey. And each time it returns with madness glowing in its eyes and looking a little different than the time before. Sometimes I simply fight it again; and sometimes I let it consume and devour me. I guess this feeling is all the more reason to want to be more like you.
So, last night, I finally slept in the darkness, the black, black darkness. I closed my eyes and prayed until I lost count of my own words, my own thoughts, until I drifted to an abyss as deep as the gaping hole in my soul all the while wishing I was just like you.
Till next time: Live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Chapter: The First, cont.
She reached out her grotesque hand to take hold of my hand and as her long spiny fingers embraced me, an icy chill raced through my body running up and down the length of my spine. I shivered from the intense cold of her touch and as she took my right hand with her icy fingers she gently drew closer towards me. Just then her other arm reached out towards me and touched my shoulder sending another icy shock through my body. Her touch was so cold that my eyes rolled back in their sockets and my mind began to hallucinate. I saw images and heard sounds that I knew could not exist in this room.
I opened my eyes and saw that my room had been transformed or perhaps I had simply been transported to another place by her ice cold touch. No, not transported to another place, but to another time I realized. She was, after all the Past. I stood there on a blistering hot white sandy beach, with people all around me and the roar of the ocean reverberating in my ears. The sun was high above us, beating down on the sand, the people and the ocean before me. Yet, strangely enough, there was no movement anywhere. The people were frozen in place and though I could hear the roar of the ocean, the waves were not moving, they were not crashing into the shore as one would expect. The wispy white clouds high above me were also frozen in place as were the gulls and other seashore birds. And then, another chill ripped through my body as I tried to comprehend and understand this unearthly vision before me.
I tried to turn to face the Past who was now standing next to me and panic raced through my mind. I was unable to move, to breathe. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak or call out. I couldn’t lift a finger. I was frozen in place like all those around me, baking in the hot sun yet, feeling an icy cold throughout my entire being from facing the Past.
In the next moment, it was night, the sun had long since set in the western sky and I knew that I was once again in the Past. I was driving a rental car on an early May night and I was turning onto Noregard Cove.
To Be Continued: Till then live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.
I opened my eyes and saw that my room had been transformed or perhaps I had simply been transported to another place by her ice cold touch. No, not transported to another place, but to another time I realized. She was, after all the Past. I stood there on a blistering hot white sandy beach, with people all around me and the roar of the ocean reverberating in my ears. The sun was high above us, beating down on the sand, the people and the ocean before me. Yet, strangely enough, there was no movement anywhere. The people were frozen in place and though I could hear the roar of the ocean, the waves were not moving, they were not crashing into the shore as one would expect. The wispy white clouds high above me were also frozen in place as were the gulls and other seashore birds. And then, another chill ripped through my body as I tried to comprehend and understand this unearthly vision before me.
I tried to turn to face the Past who was now standing next to me and panic raced through my mind. I was unable to move, to breathe. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak or call out. I couldn’t lift a finger. I was frozen in place like all those around me, baking in the hot sun yet, feeling an icy cold throughout my entire being from facing the Past.
In the next moment, it was night, the sun had long since set in the western sky and I knew that I was once again in the Past. I was driving a rental car on an early May night and I was turning onto Noregard Cove.
To Be Continued: Till then live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Chapter: The First, cont.
The darkness that was besieging and enveloping me finally prevailed and I succumbed to blissful sleep as my exhausted and emotionally drained body crashed back into the recliner. Instinctively my hand closed in upon the paper it held and crushed it into an unrecognizable crumpled wad as I surrendered to the peaceful stillness of the night.
My mind was tormented by vague shapes, mysterious thoughts and dark dreams as though it were being drawn back to another time and another place. From deep within my thoughts I heard a soft velvety voice calling out to me from a bright spherical shaped light. I could only see the vague outline of a form, lithe and willowy against the blinding whiteness of the glowing sphere. The voice I heard was enticing, mesmerizing and bewitching. As the shape called out to me, the light shimmered and shifted from bright white to hues of electric blue and through all of this brilliance; I could not distinctly tell who or what was calling me. I instinctively raised my arms up in front of my face to shield my eyes from the intense white light, but this proved to be a futile gesture for as her voice summoned me forward into the light, the light glowed brighter and brighter making it harder for me to see into it.
I shambled forward towards the ever blinding light much like a sleepwalker, oblivious and unaware of my surroundings. My arms hung limply at my side as though they were weighed down with heavy lead weights. My feet plodded forward, each step slow and agonizing, for they too felt as though I was wearing lead boots upon them. My head hung limply on my shoulder as if I was a man who had been soundly defeated in battle and I had been taken captive by the victors.
As I finally reached the bright spherical shaped light, the form that was inside of it, that had been calling out to me stepped forth and reveled herself to me. I immediately recognized her hideous grotesque form and recoiled in fear and terror.
She was the past; the past had been calling out to me, beckoning me to come to her to embrace her to join her.
To Be Continued: Till then live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.
My mind was tormented by vague shapes, mysterious thoughts and dark dreams as though it were being drawn back to another time and another place. From deep within my thoughts I heard a soft velvety voice calling out to me from a bright spherical shaped light. I could only see the vague outline of a form, lithe and willowy against the blinding whiteness of the glowing sphere. The voice I heard was enticing, mesmerizing and bewitching. As the shape called out to me, the light shimmered and shifted from bright white to hues of electric blue and through all of this brilliance; I could not distinctly tell who or what was calling me. I instinctively raised my arms up in front of my face to shield my eyes from the intense white light, but this proved to be a futile gesture for as her voice summoned me forward into the light, the light glowed brighter and brighter making it harder for me to see into it.
I shambled forward towards the ever blinding light much like a sleepwalker, oblivious and unaware of my surroundings. My arms hung limply at my side as though they were weighed down with heavy lead weights. My feet plodded forward, each step slow and agonizing, for they too felt as though I was wearing lead boots upon them. My head hung limply on my shoulder as if I was a man who had been soundly defeated in battle and I had been taken captive by the victors.
As I finally reached the bright spherical shaped light, the form that was inside of it, that had been calling out to me stepped forth and reveled herself to me. I immediately recognized her hideous grotesque form and recoiled in fear and terror.
She was the past; the past had been calling out to me, beckoning me to come to her to embrace her to join her.
To Be Continued: Till then live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Hear The Silence
Chapter: The First
Hear the Silence
I am oblivious to the swirling darkness that surrounds me from a lack of sleep as I sit in my rocker recliner drifting in and out of consciousness. My mind sleepily floats through the swirling mists of the past to the pain and anguish of the present and then to a dark and dismal future seemingly without any hope, without any joy. The silence of this night is deafening and it reverberates through my mind as I succumb to the icy grip of the past and I am drawn back to a time of emotional pain and hurt identical to that which now assails me in this present moment and devastates any and all hopes and dreams for the future. Through the silent darkness of my study, with the only visible light twinkling through the blinds covering a large picture window emanating from houses across the lake as the gently swaying tree branches are buffeted by the warm gentle breezes that are rolling in from the south, I hear the silence. The branches float eerily through the dark night air like ghostly arms waving effortlessly to and fro without sound, without disturbing the stillness of this night.
Suddenly, my melancholy silence is broken by the soft and gentle flutter of a piece of paper which has slipped from my hand and lazily drifts to the floor below. My mind barely perceives these sounds as I continue to drift in and out of consciousness and exhaustion brought on by nearly fifty-six hours without any food, water or sleep. I had long forgotten the stiffness and the aches that I felt the day before brought on by sitting motionless in this very chair and staring out through now tearless eyes at a gloomy and unpromising world beyond this room.
I slowly move forward in my chair and as I strained to cut through the stillness of the night, I bent down to pick up the paper that had slipped from my hand and had so lazily crashed to the floor, deafening me through the tranquil quietness of the night.
As my hand touched the paper resting on the floor at my feet, my mind raced as I recalled the words printed on it that had been burned into my memory with a searing branding iron. These are words, words written just seven days ago, that I will never forget, yet words that were written without meaning, without commitment originating from a deceitful and untrustworthy selfish heart. This is the very same heart that committed the identical cold and cruel treatment to others before and will do so again, for this is the dark nature of this inhuman and self-centered heart.
“Again, how in the world do I deserve such a sweet-heart like you? It is so strange from going from someone who cannot think outside of his wants to you – someone who truly is interested in what I need and desire. YOU are such a treasure. Yes, I’ve said it before and I just have to repeat it again. YOU ARE A TREASURE. How in the world do you manage to do this when you had abandoned all hope? You really do amaze me. Back to your question – I am at a loss for words…YES ME! I know how WE can and could be happier (spending more time together, coming home at the end of the day to one another, me helping you, you helping me and the list goes on and on and on.) But how you can make me happier now – just keep being yourself that is all I ask of you: BE YOURSELF nothing more.
I love you!”
Dry tears cascaded down my cheeks through the deafening silence of the dismal night surrounding me.
To Be Continued: Till then live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Prologue
Prologue
The evening sky glowed a fiery crimson red as the sun set behind the stand of trees which over shadowed a beautiful city park to the west on this early spring evening of 2006. The walking trails of the park were crowded with people trying to get the last mile or so of their walk or jog in before the sun set for the day. The wispy clouds and the vapor trails of jets high above this sleepy cove were bathed in hues of red, orange and deep purple while a flock of birds flew by continuing their northward journey. Nearby many of the inhabitants of the quite suburb of Sawyerville went about their daily chores oblivious to the breathtaking beauty displayed high above them as they scurried to and fro preparing themselves for the evening tasks before them, helping their children with their homework, cleaning up after dinner, packing lunches for the next day; all the while hiding their deep dark, well kept secrets from their neighbors, friends and the rest of their quaint community.
Sawyerville is much like any other small suburb of a large metropolitan area with affluent and well to do areas and older less desirable subdivisions which are so simply because of people’s infatuation with status and the need to be held in high esteem and regard by neighbors and friends. Showing off that which we have acquired with money, power and wealth instead of presenting who they are as individuals and having a desire for personal growth and development for themselves and their relationships is one of the signature deficiencies of just such a community. The inhabitants diligently strive to have others center of attention on their exteriors by flaunting their big homes, fancy cars, fashionable clothes, boats and such so that the community will not see the dark side of our personality lurking within each and every one of us. This is a sad testimony to the true nature of the voracious beast that lurks just below the façade we allow other to see and it is a major component that makes up each and every human being.
In just a few short hours, on this very striking and tranquil spring night, on this quite cove nestled deep in the bowels of Sawyerville will erupt from chaos and discord, an unspeakable, veiled evil born out of weakness, imperfection, greed and self will. This explosion of raw unbridled emotions will turn into a chaotic conflict is nothing but an outward manifestation of many years of tumultuous, vicious, belittling, hounding and badgering brought on by the social expectations and insecurities of a mate. And then, what once seemed to the outside world a peaceful, quite and harmonious residence on Sweet Cove will detonate into a suburban inferno of terror and fear, for a festering evil will be released for the world to witness firsthand.
“Listen my children and you shall hear,
A tale of woe and fraught with fear…”
Next: Chapter The First
Till then, live in peace and live now.
The evening sky glowed a fiery crimson red as the sun set behind the stand of trees which over shadowed a beautiful city park to the west on this early spring evening of 2006. The walking trails of the park were crowded with people trying to get the last mile or so of their walk or jog in before the sun set for the day. The wispy clouds and the vapor trails of jets high above this sleepy cove were bathed in hues of red, orange and deep purple while a flock of birds flew by continuing their northward journey. Nearby many of the inhabitants of the quite suburb of Sawyerville went about their daily chores oblivious to the breathtaking beauty displayed high above them as they scurried to and fro preparing themselves for the evening tasks before them, helping their children with their homework, cleaning up after dinner, packing lunches for the next day; all the while hiding their deep dark, well kept secrets from their neighbors, friends and the rest of their quaint community.
Sawyerville is much like any other small suburb of a large metropolitan area with affluent and well to do areas and older less desirable subdivisions which are so simply because of people’s infatuation with status and the need to be held in high esteem and regard by neighbors and friends. Showing off that which we have acquired with money, power and wealth instead of presenting who they are as individuals and having a desire for personal growth and development for themselves and their relationships is one of the signature deficiencies of just such a community. The inhabitants diligently strive to have others center of attention on their exteriors by flaunting their big homes, fancy cars, fashionable clothes, boats and such so that the community will not see the dark side of our personality lurking within each and every one of us. This is a sad testimony to the true nature of the voracious beast that lurks just below the façade we allow other to see and it is a major component that makes up each and every human being.
In just a few short hours, on this very striking and tranquil spring night, on this quite cove nestled deep in the bowels of Sawyerville will erupt from chaos and discord, an unspeakable, veiled evil born out of weakness, imperfection, greed and self will. This explosion of raw unbridled emotions will turn into a chaotic conflict is nothing but an outward manifestation of many years of tumultuous, vicious, belittling, hounding and badgering brought on by the social expectations and insecurities of a mate. And then, what once seemed to the outside world a peaceful, quite and harmonious residence on Sweet Cove will detonate into a suburban inferno of terror and fear, for a festering evil will be released for the world to witness firsthand.
“Listen my children and you shall hear,
A tale of woe and fraught with fear…”
Next: Chapter The First
Till then, live in peace and live now.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Fire and Ice
Fire and Ice
Some say the world will end in FIRE,
Some say it will end in ICE,
My world ends without YOU!
Our love is something that cannot be explained,
It can only felt and shared,
By two hearts sailing across all eternity.
Two shimmering souls,
Simply reflecting the grandeur of the stars above.
We were born in different times and places,
With a vast abyss between us,
How astounding is the destiny that now bind us.
And though it has been years,
For that ineffable bond to express itself,
Romantically,
It ultimately has.
Lo, neither heart could have ever predicted,
The sheer intoxication of our love,
And the unbounded JOY that we share,
That this union has brought into our lives.
The simple exhilaration of holding you,
Touching you,
Kissing you,
Knowing you.
Standing together through the day,
Side by side from,
Sun rise to shadow fall.
My universe of darkness
Explodes into light,
With the thrill of your smile,
All is again, aright.
Our souls chained by a love
Un-proclaimed,
I give of my self to thee to love
For now and forever.
Some say the world will end in FIRE,
Some say it will end in ICE,
My world Begins with YOU!
Some say the world will end in FIRE,
Some say it will end in ICE,
My world ends without YOU!
Our love is something that cannot be explained,
It can only felt and shared,
By two hearts sailing across all eternity.
Two shimmering souls,
Simply reflecting the grandeur of the stars above.
We were born in different times and places,
With a vast abyss between us,
How astounding is the destiny that now bind us.
And though it has been years,
For that ineffable bond to express itself,
Romantically,
It ultimately has.
Lo, neither heart could have ever predicted,
The sheer intoxication of our love,
And the unbounded JOY that we share,
That this union has brought into our lives.
The simple exhilaration of holding you,
Touching you,
Kissing you,
Knowing you.
Standing together through the day,
Side by side from,
Sun rise to shadow fall.
My universe of darkness
Explodes into light,
With the thrill of your smile,
All is again, aright.
Our souls chained by a love
Un-proclaimed,
I give of my self to thee to love
For now and forever.
Some say the world will end in FIRE,
Some say it will end in ICE,
My world Begins with YOU!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Eve of Darkness
Eve of Darkness
Woe and alas, again the darkness doth reign,
For I have descended into its lifeless domain.
The ever descending blade has rent me in twain,
Till my heart of flesh, this has been slain,
The depths of my despair I cannot feign.
Grief gushes forth like the cascading rain,
As my love, my life begins to drain.
This maddening pain, doth seek to drive me insane.
For once again from love I must abstain,
Lo, for what I do seems all so in vain.
I seek not to contain,
Nor can I constrain,
This, my emotional hurricane.
So, here I sit looking through this darkened windowpane,
And it is here that I must remain,
Oh, to my disdain,
For your love, your life I cannot ascertain.
Till next time, live in peace, harmony and live Now.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Victims
We live in a world where we perceive time as a linear concept, it presses forward and, as a result of this ever present forward movement, it waits for no one. The only constant in this linear progression of time is change. I will change, you will change, circumstances will change and even time will change. Each new split second brings in a new point of time that has never happened before nor will never happen again and just as importantly; it can never be experienced again in the same way.
Just as important as understanding linear time is the understanding that each and every one of us is exactly who we want to be wherever and whenever we are in this life. Effort, determination, realization and self-assurance are some of the keys that we can use to determine who we are, who we want to be, where we have been and where we will go in this life. We can strive to better ourselves or wallow in self-pity by blaming others for our state in life or our circumstances. However, it is our choices and our choices alone that really determine who we are and where we are.
So, when you are finally brave enough to look into the mirror and you see yourself looking back at yourself and all that you really see is yourself you have become self-absorbed; for very few people will actually take the time or exert any extra effort to see what’s behind the mirror, they are satisfied and content with the image that they see looking back at them.
Please, now just blind me so that I can see again.
Till next time, live in peace and live now.
Just as important as understanding linear time is the understanding that each and every one of us is exactly who we want to be wherever and whenever we are in this life. Effort, determination, realization and self-assurance are some of the keys that we can use to determine who we are, who we want to be, where we have been and where we will go in this life. We can strive to better ourselves or wallow in self-pity by blaming others for our state in life or our circumstances. However, it is our choices and our choices alone that really determine who we are and where we are.
So, when you are finally brave enough to look into the mirror and you see yourself looking back at yourself and all that you really see is yourself you have become self-absorbed; for very few people will actually take the time or exert any extra effort to see what’s behind the mirror, they are satisfied and content with the image that they see looking back at them.
Please, now just blind me so that I can see again.
Till next time, live in peace and live now.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Difference
If you don't stand up and make a difference, it really doesn't matter what you say you believe in, you really don't.
--------------------------------------------------------
Our actions do speak louder than our words, especially when our actions involve what we profess to believe in and matters of the heart, your heart, my heart or the hearts of those we profess to love and care for.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Tergiversation
Hypocrisy reveals its morally despicable self through many different shapes and forms, however it is always preceded by the deities “what’s in it for me” and “excitement” and, in this story, this dastardly duo are an integral pattern woven into the very fabric of ego and self, the ego and self of the very real and cold hearted Black Scorpion.
You see, this is a tale of metamorphosis, of transformation and of tergiversation by the Black Scorpion fueled by the very nature of the scorpion which is akin to the spots of the leopard, unchangeable and immutable.
Communication is the key to maintaining any and all interpersonal relationship and it is rare indeed to find two individuals who desire and are able to communicate on such a level of understanding that it fuels a deep companionship, friendship and connection. This bond was continuously strengthened by renewed communication with the intent of building each other up, purposefully and methodically.
The Black Scorpion revels in this type of interpersonal communication which is designed to make her the center and focus of attention, which is a very real egotistical weakness easily exploited by that dastardly duo, “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.” And once the foundation has been laid by the dastardly duo of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement”, the relationship is ripe for conquest and destruction by Hypocrisy.
The razor sharp tongue of the Black Scorpion is verily as sharp and deadly as the poisonous barb protruding from the tip of her lethal tail. When she isn’t the focal point or center of attention she claws and bites at her companion and friend with an unrelenting force like that of a rabid animal until her companion relents and gives in to her vicious assault.
Over time, this behavior becomes more and more pronounced and occurs more frequently as the Black Scorpion vies for the attention and focus of those around her, then and only then will Hypocrisy unleash his deadly assault and enter into the Dance of Mephisto.
For me, this incident occurred one day when the Black Scorpion’s ever so sharp tongue told a partial truth concerning a visitation, undoing the goal and purpose of the communication and reintroducing a deep pain and hurt from years long since past. An old wound, reopened. An old scar torn open again and issuing forth a flood of anguish, of feelings and pain not felt for a decade of life. A pain so intense and so agonizing that I retreated into the dark recesses of my mind, seeking the reasons of why and how did this happen? I needed, no required time to mend and heal the deep wounds that had been ripped opened once again.
Cold and uncaringly the Black Scorpion gave open access to the dastardly duo of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement” to her ego and self and demanded all attention and focus be on her. She would not allow time the time necessary to heal the wound that she had ripped open and she continued to claw and bite at the open skin, all the while dripping her poisonous venom into the gash. No compassion was shown by the Black Scorpion for the pain she had inflicted upon her friend.
Though months had passed the pain and hurt from this reopened wound festered and lingered in the back of my mind. All the while, the Black Scorpion was hiding her deceit, her lie from the light of day. Her visitation was not just a one time event, but had continued on giving a deeper foothold to “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.”
Finally Hypocrisy entered into view from the swirling fog enshrouded mists that emanated from that dastardly duo. His long boney hands grasped and bound the very soul of the Black Scorpion and from her lips issued forth a command, “leave me alone, don’t call, I need time to think.” She had no intention of returning any calls, she was weak she later said.
No greater blasphemous Hypocrisy could have been uttered. The deities of “what’s in it for me” and "excitement” had full reign in her dark soul. Where before she would bite and claw to maintain being the center and focus of attention when someone else was hurt, she now shut them out and left them to guess and wonder. This is the Hypocrisy of the Black Scorpion to cover up any twinge of guilt that may have been hiding deep in the darkness of her soul.
Tergiversation - noun
1 : evasion of straightforward action or clear-cut statement
2 : desertion of a cause, position, party, or faith
Next: “Excitement” Till then, live now.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Of Passages and Longings
Of Passages and Longings
Anon and anon, time passes on,
into the mists of long lost Avalon.
It does not wait, nor does it abide,
for no man can be its guide.
It courses through uncharted water,
as searching for Poseidon’s daughter .
Diving depths, skimming shallows,
crashing waves upon the archipelagos.
Chances missed, chances lost,
at best an afterthought.
Form together, decompose,
All of this does time expose.
Longings true, longings deep,
aside these time cannot sweep.
Yearnings intimate, yearnings for you,
for these time cannot subdue.
Anon and anon, time passes on,
into the mists of long lost Avalon.
It does not wait, nor does it abide,
for no man can be its guide.
It courses through uncharted water,
as searching for Poseidon’s daughter .
Diving depths, skimming shallows,
crashing waves upon the archipelagos.
Chances missed, chances lost,
at best an afterthought.
Form together, decompose,
All of this does time expose.
Longings true, longings deep,
aside these time cannot sweep.
Yearnings intimate, yearnings for you,
for these time cannot subdue.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
A Question Answered
A Question Answered
Of why and how a question was asked,
and for this my heart I must unmask.
I love you for these and other things,
you’re the dew on a field in a morning of spring.
You’re honest and open for all to see,
and yet in that there is the irony.
You try and hide behind shadows and walls,
like the grass beneath the first snowfalls.
You’re kind and gentle and have good rapport,
for those you call “friend”, you always support.
Your beauty is like the new daybreak,
the soft and gentle kiss of a snowflake.
You laugh and cry, fight and prevail,
and yet you hide behind a veil.
You’re so alive and will to survive,
my strength from you this I can derive.
I love you for these and other things,
for you, my love, I would do anything.
Of why and how a question was asked,
and for this my heart I must unmask.
I love you for these and other things,
you’re the dew on a field in a morning of spring.
You’re honest and open for all to see,
and yet in that there is the irony.
You try and hide behind shadows and walls,
like the grass beneath the first snowfalls.
You’re kind and gentle and have good rapport,
for those you call “friend”, you always support.
Your beauty is like the new daybreak,
the soft and gentle kiss of a snowflake.
You laugh and cry, fight and prevail,
and yet you hide behind a veil.
You’re so alive and will to survive,
my strength from you this I can derive.
I love you for these and other things,
for you, my love, I would do anything.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Dancing with Mephisto
It has been recanted over and over throughout history and it is oh so very true, “It doesn’t matter what you feel, it matters what you do to and for the people that you say you love.”
Our feelings wax and wane like the wispy clouds flowing high above us on a blustery day. They come and go, not dependent upon anything save our moods, the emotional state of our being or our juxtaposition with those we say we supposedly love and care for. Unfortunately we allow our feelings to become the emotional playthings of Mephisto along with the ancient deities, “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.” These three dance among men as not but shadowy specters wrecking havoc, discord and strife with every relationship their cold boney hands touch.
We are called by a higher purpose, to guard and protect our hearts for the sake of those we say we love and care about, all the while ignoring the whims of emotion and the mockery of mere feelings. Love is not an emotion or a feeling; it is a commitment of the heart and soul. We are called to abide in our words and let our actions speak of our love and commitment to one and another all the while acknowledging that we are engaged in a dance with emotional ruin and pain lurking behind each next step.
Our feelings are merely a plaything during the dance of Mephisto while he is being supported by the musical accompaniments of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.” These three labor in unison planting the seeds of discord and strife as their madding music plays on, rending even the strongest of human commitments asunder. These three intimately know the black nature of man, the unchanging spots of the leopard and the dark nature of the Black Scorpion.
As we dance with Mephisto and his unholy band we give in to our feelings, our whims of mere emotion and let Hypocrisy enter into the fray as we spin faster and faster down into the black dizzying void of the self. It is in this confused state of vertigo that we let go and fail to remember that it really matters what we do to and for those who we say we love and commit our hearts to. Instead of remembering this, we cling to the feelings of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement” and we lose our way back to reality; we heartily embrace Hypocrisy and hold on for fear of losing our very lives. Our arms flail about our ever faster spinning body, our legs become weak and will not support our carcass, our mind and thoughts becomes distorted and confused and we gladly give ourselves, body, soul and very life to these unholy three.
“I remember the night, the unsettling darkness that was over shadowing my very being. My thoughts were being assailed by black visions and shapes, indistinct and ghostly, like wisps of smoke rising from a dying ember against the gloomy sky. It was from these dark corners of my mind that I first glimpsed an indistinguishable figure moving towards me. I recoiled in terror as the shape; no shapes became clearer as the fog was lifted from before my vision and I heard the most unholy music resounding and echoing through the darkness.”
“There, taking shape in the mists before me was Mephisto, wildly dancing with the Black Scorpion, her arms flailing about, her hair wickedly thrashing through the air with a lost, confused but completely evil countenance upon her face. Behind them stood ‘what’s in it for me’ and 'excitement’ playing grotesque instruments made from the broken hopes and dreams of men and women.”
“The music played louder and louder as another figure entered the room and stepped forward, bowed and extended a boney hand. Hypocrisy said, ‘May I have this dance, my dear Black Scorpion?’ Gleefully the Black Scorpion accepted his offer and took his hand and his embrace. As they swirled around the room at a dizzying pace his decaying lips moved closer and closer to the Black Scorpions lips and I could almost smell his fetid breath as they kissed passionately and deeply. The Black Scorpion had given over completely and totally to her true nature.”
“What transpired next comes as no surprise to those who have felt the sting of the Black Scorpion. She left the embrace of Hypocrisy and moved with surreptitiousness across the floor edging closer and closer to the bed that I laid upon. In terror, I tried to get up and flee, but the unholy music seemed to bind my arms and legs to the very fabric of the bed and I was unable to even lift one finger.”
“She climbed on top of me as a chilling new fear swept over my body, one that I had felt before. For you see, this is not the first time that this Black Scorpion had abandoned my heart for ‘what’s in it for me’ and ‘excitement.’”
“Her claws caressed my flesh and I could smell the decaying fetid breath of Hypocrisy emanating from her lips and her mouth. I struggled with all my might to break free of these bonds holding me under her sway, but this struggle was to no avail. She leaned over and ever so gently brushed my lips with hers. Terror gripped my failing heart as I saw the shadow of her barbed tail rise out of the mists swirling around us as the music continued to wildly echo through the darkness.”
“As the music reached its crescendo, I felt the pressure and weight on my body increase and then, her tail struck. Her long, shining barb impaled itself deep into my chest, rending flesh, crushing bone and plunging deep into my pulsating heart. I writhed in agony as I felt her poison being pumped into my heart and its burning as it coursed through my veins. Pain and anguish ripped through my body, but this was nothing next to the agony yet to come.”
“The Black Scorpion smiled an evil smile as she ripped her barbed tail out of my chest removing my heart with it and there, before my very eyes, was my still beating heart. She held it up like some sort of warrior’s trophy and howled gleefully and she waved it high above her head.”
“As the music began to fade, she looked deep into my eyes and ever so gently placed my punctured heart back into the gaping hole that was once my chest, saying ‘we can still be friends, if you like.’”
“I awoke drenched in sweat and grasped my chest and found it to be whole. But, what I thought was but a dream was in truth a nightmare. The Black Scorpion had visited me and danced with Mephisto and Hypocrisy while ‘what’s in it for me’ and ‘excitement’ played instruments of broken hopes and dreams. I still feel the poison of that encounter coursing through my veins, burning and stinging and for who knows how long will this continue.”
Thankfully, God does not base his love for us upon simple feelings and he has shown and continues to show what true commitment and love is through the sacrifice of His Son on the cross for our sins of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.”
Upcoming: The story of Hypocrisy, Mephisto and ‘The night of terror, April 2006’. Till then, may your dreams be peaceful and may you live now.
Our feelings wax and wane like the wispy clouds flowing high above us on a blustery day. They come and go, not dependent upon anything save our moods, the emotional state of our being or our juxtaposition with those we say we supposedly love and care for. Unfortunately we allow our feelings to become the emotional playthings of Mephisto along with the ancient deities, “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.” These three dance among men as not but shadowy specters wrecking havoc, discord and strife with every relationship their cold boney hands touch.
We are called by a higher purpose, to guard and protect our hearts for the sake of those we say we love and care about, all the while ignoring the whims of emotion and the mockery of mere feelings. Love is not an emotion or a feeling; it is a commitment of the heart and soul. We are called to abide in our words and let our actions speak of our love and commitment to one and another all the while acknowledging that we are engaged in a dance with emotional ruin and pain lurking behind each next step.
Our feelings are merely a plaything during the dance of Mephisto while he is being supported by the musical accompaniments of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.” These three labor in unison planting the seeds of discord and strife as their madding music plays on, rending even the strongest of human commitments asunder. These three intimately know the black nature of man, the unchanging spots of the leopard and the dark nature of the Black Scorpion.
As we dance with Mephisto and his unholy band we give in to our feelings, our whims of mere emotion and let Hypocrisy enter into the fray as we spin faster and faster down into the black dizzying void of the self. It is in this confused state of vertigo that we let go and fail to remember that it really matters what we do to and for those who we say we love and commit our hearts to. Instead of remembering this, we cling to the feelings of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement” and we lose our way back to reality; we heartily embrace Hypocrisy and hold on for fear of losing our very lives. Our arms flail about our ever faster spinning body, our legs become weak and will not support our carcass, our mind and thoughts becomes distorted and confused and we gladly give ourselves, body, soul and very life to these unholy three.
“I remember the night, the unsettling darkness that was over shadowing my very being. My thoughts were being assailed by black visions and shapes, indistinct and ghostly, like wisps of smoke rising from a dying ember against the gloomy sky. It was from these dark corners of my mind that I first glimpsed an indistinguishable figure moving towards me. I recoiled in terror as the shape; no shapes became clearer as the fog was lifted from before my vision and I heard the most unholy music resounding and echoing through the darkness.”
“There, taking shape in the mists before me was Mephisto, wildly dancing with the Black Scorpion, her arms flailing about, her hair wickedly thrashing through the air with a lost, confused but completely evil countenance upon her face. Behind them stood ‘what’s in it for me’ and 'excitement’ playing grotesque instruments made from the broken hopes and dreams of men and women.”
“The music played louder and louder as another figure entered the room and stepped forward, bowed and extended a boney hand. Hypocrisy said, ‘May I have this dance, my dear Black Scorpion?’ Gleefully the Black Scorpion accepted his offer and took his hand and his embrace. As they swirled around the room at a dizzying pace his decaying lips moved closer and closer to the Black Scorpions lips and I could almost smell his fetid breath as they kissed passionately and deeply. The Black Scorpion had given over completely and totally to her true nature.”
“What transpired next comes as no surprise to those who have felt the sting of the Black Scorpion. She left the embrace of Hypocrisy and moved with surreptitiousness across the floor edging closer and closer to the bed that I laid upon. In terror, I tried to get up and flee, but the unholy music seemed to bind my arms and legs to the very fabric of the bed and I was unable to even lift one finger.”
“She climbed on top of me as a chilling new fear swept over my body, one that I had felt before. For you see, this is not the first time that this Black Scorpion had abandoned my heart for ‘what’s in it for me’ and ‘excitement.’”
“Her claws caressed my flesh and I could smell the decaying fetid breath of Hypocrisy emanating from her lips and her mouth. I struggled with all my might to break free of these bonds holding me under her sway, but this struggle was to no avail. She leaned over and ever so gently brushed my lips with hers. Terror gripped my failing heart as I saw the shadow of her barbed tail rise out of the mists swirling around us as the music continued to wildly echo through the darkness.”
“As the music reached its crescendo, I felt the pressure and weight on my body increase and then, her tail struck. Her long, shining barb impaled itself deep into my chest, rending flesh, crushing bone and plunging deep into my pulsating heart. I writhed in agony as I felt her poison being pumped into my heart and its burning as it coursed through my veins. Pain and anguish ripped through my body, but this was nothing next to the agony yet to come.”
“The Black Scorpion smiled an evil smile as she ripped her barbed tail out of my chest removing my heart with it and there, before my very eyes, was my still beating heart. She held it up like some sort of warrior’s trophy and howled gleefully and she waved it high above her head.”
“As the music began to fade, she looked deep into my eyes and ever so gently placed my punctured heart back into the gaping hole that was once my chest, saying ‘we can still be friends, if you like.’”
“I awoke drenched in sweat and grasped my chest and found it to be whole. But, what I thought was but a dream was in truth a nightmare. The Black Scorpion had visited me and danced with Mephisto and Hypocrisy while ‘what’s in it for me’ and ‘excitement’ played instruments of broken hopes and dreams. I still feel the poison of that encounter coursing through my veins, burning and stinging and for who knows how long will this continue.”
Thankfully, God does not base his love for us upon simple feelings and he has shown and continues to show what true commitment and love is through the sacrifice of His Son on the cross for our sins of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.”
Upcoming: The story of Hypocrisy, Mephisto and ‘The night of terror, April 2006’. Till then, may your dreams be peaceful and may you live now.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Haunted
Haunted
Memories flood in the darkness,
and I must confess.
I toss and turn,
my mind on its endless sojourn.
Fever and sweat,
by these am I beset.
Fear grips my heart,
for in my dream you depart.
I reach out my hand to you,
to hold on to the last residue.
And yet you declare,
do not despair.
I awake with a start,
the pounding of my heart.
Gasping for breath,
visions of the specter of death.
All seems lost…hope, joy, love,
in the blackness thereof.
Again, the dream,
with the same theme.
I see you smile,
and feel my exile.
I smell your perfume,
there in my gloom.
I feel your soft touch,
and long for it as much.
Haunted by a love that grew,
Haunted by the memory of you.
Memories flood in the darkness,
and I must confess.
I toss and turn,
my mind on its endless sojourn.
Fever and sweat,
by these am I beset.
Fear grips my heart,
for in my dream you depart.
I reach out my hand to you,
to hold on to the last residue.
And yet you declare,
do not despair.
I awake with a start,
the pounding of my heart.
Gasping for breath,
visions of the specter of death.
All seems lost…hope, joy, love,
in the blackness thereof.
Again, the dream,
with the same theme.
I see you smile,
and feel my exile.
I smell your perfume,
there in my gloom.
I feel your soft touch,
and long for it as much.
Haunted by a love that grew,
Haunted by the memory of you.
Ten Year Have Got Behind You
In 1973 Pink Floyd released "The Dark Side of the Moon" album with a song on it entitled "Time." These words have echoed in my mind and haunted me ever since I first heard them, "And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. " And I used to think that these words were true, due in part to it being so easy and so much an integral part of our nature to blame others for our lack of courage to stand up for what is true and right, or even to accept blame for our weaknesses and fears. We look to others to find fault, because no one told us when to run.
We look for excuses to justify our behaviors, our fears, our betrayals and our carelessness with others feelings, hopes and dreams. We blame events, people and situations to free ourselves from the shackles of guilt while never realizing or acknowledging that it is in our nature, which we do not want to change, to worship the deities of "what's in it for me" and "excitement." However, the long term lingering damage from such betrayals affect ourselves, our children and others.
Over ten years ago I wrote the following poem as a lasting memento to one such betrayal only to see it repeated again, after all, "it's what scorpions do."
The Scent Of Fear
We look for excuses to justify our behaviors, our fears, our betrayals and our carelessness with others feelings, hopes and dreams. We blame events, people and situations to free ourselves from the shackles of guilt while never realizing or acknowledging that it is in our nature, which we do not want to change, to worship the deities of "what's in it for me" and "excitement." However, the long term lingering damage from such betrayals affect ourselves, our children and others.
Over ten years ago I wrote the following poem as a lasting memento to one such betrayal only to see it repeated again, after all, "it's what scorpions do."
The Scent Of Fear
“It was new and exciting,” was all that was said,
And it gripped my heart with icy dread.
Where is the passion, oh, where is the flame,
Oh, how quick those to be so tame.
The scent of fear overwhelmed my heart that day,
As passion and lust were swept away.
Like the jungle that reclaims the discarded ruin,
I’m overrun with fear enshrouded herein.
Bright lights shown in the eyes,
Blind, freeze and mystify.
My heart and soul bared in the dusk,
Become a twisted and contorted husk.
Darkness and loneliness terrify,
As the scent of fear doth crucify,
This heart once full of love and joy,
The scent of fear seeks to destroy.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Thought
"Instead of worring about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire." -- Dale Carnegie
Monday, July 30, 2007
Weekend
Wow! What a great weekend and I'm sorry but I just couldn't make the time to post anything this weekend. I had a friend drop over to the house to spend the weekend with me and we shopped for my son's college dorm room, cooked, cleaned, watched movies and just had a great time.
But, now it's a new week and I'll be hitting it full force bringing you more background information and a sneek peek at the beginning of the end.
Till next time, live Now!!
But, now it's a new week and I'll be hitting it full force bringing you more background information and a sneek peek at the beginning of the end.
Till next time, live Now!!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Cactus
Hello sweetest!
Yes, I am talking/writing to you! I have been thinking long and hard about your cactus gift and I want to share my insight on it with you and it's nothing new but I just wanted to cover it with you again this time in writing.
You gave me the cactus as a reminder that our relationship could be sharp, prickly and hurtful at some point in the future. You said that you just wanted me to remember that. Well, that goes two ways and anytime that you enter into a relationship with anybody, it can be sharp, prickly and hurtful . It's that way for you too! I could give you a cactus and say, "you know, someday this relationship could hurt you, but that's the chance we all take in love." "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Does that sound familiar?
That cactus also represents a future that may never be and I choose not to dwell on that future. I choose only to dwell on what I have right now and what I have now is pleasing and pleasureful and not hurtful.
So, from a broader perspective, the possibility of getting hurt or NOT is spread to both of us and not just to me. Again, I choose to savor what I have and not let a possible future distract me from the present. I think that this may be why I see so many details and can focus so well on you.
So, please just remember that I love you and how special you are to me!
The Doctor
Yes, I am talking/writing to you! I have been thinking long and hard about your cactus gift and I want to share my insight on it with you and it's nothing new but I just wanted to cover it with you again this time in writing.
You gave me the cactus as a reminder that our relationship could be sharp, prickly and hurtful at some point in the future. You said that you just wanted me to remember that. Well, that goes two ways and anytime that you enter into a relationship with anybody, it can be sharp, prickly and hurtful . It's that way for you too! I could give you a cactus and say, "you know, someday this relationship could hurt you, but that's the chance we all take in love." "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Does that sound familiar?
That cactus also represents a future that may never be and I choose not to dwell on that future. I choose only to dwell on what I have right now and what I have now is pleasing and pleasureful and not hurtful.
So, from a broader perspective, the possibility of getting hurt or NOT is spread to both of us and not just to me. Again, I choose to savor what I have and not let a possible future distract me from the present. I think that this may be why I see so many details and can focus so well on you.
So, please just remember that I love you and how special you are to me!
The Doctor
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Dawn's Revelation
Dawn's Revelation
“As I sit alone, the steam rises from the cup of coffee that rests on the table before me while people move around me like ethereal spirits. I sense their presence, yet I am truly oblivious to them as they come and go about their madding worldly affairs. A new day dawned just as surly the night will fall, revealing a revelation unlike any other.”
“Over the deafening din of the shadowy people, I hear an eerily familiar song and I pause to reflect on the haunting words that dig deep into my soul and my memories:”
"Goodbye My Lover"
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
“As I sit alone, the steam rises from the cup of coffee that rests on the table before me while people move around me like ethereal spirits. I sense their presence, yet I am truly oblivious to them as they come and go about their madding worldly affairs. A new day dawned just as surly the night will fall, revealing a revelation unlike any other.”
“Over the deafening din of the shadowy people, I hear an eerily familiar song and I pause to reflect on the haunting words that dig deep into my soul and my memories:”
"Goodbye My Lover"
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
James Blunt
James Blunt
“Yet, I digress and get ahead of myself, for you see this day brought with it a new found understanding of what is and what cannot be. I awoken to the days first light and I reflected upon the emptiness that burns deep within me in the dark recesses of my heart, hidden in the corners of my mind and not revealed by human speech. And while I reflected upon my melancholy state a somber voice recanted the words, ‘To thine own self, be true’ and at just the moment, the morning light broke into my room and illuminated my dark world.”
“I raced to my study and immediately began to look for the ‘Complete works of William Shakespeare.’ I found it on the third shelf from the top and pulled hurriedly at the book and fumbled through the table of contents.” “’There’, I cried out. ‘Hamlet”’ “I quickly scanned the pages until I found the passage that preoccupied my thoughts and caused my heart to race.”
Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for.
There ... my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man;
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!
-- William Shakespeare
“The words echoed over and over in my mind, This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.” “Anon and anon they resonated in my mind, haunting, echoing, and causing me to reflect on myself. The emptiness, the hidden thoughts and words pouring over me, consuming ever fiber of my being, ‘Have you been true to yourself?’ The words struck like a dagger, deep, rending and ripping through soft flesh revealing the frailty of what lies within.”
“For in the very moment, I knew that I had not been true, I had hidden part of me from the world, from myself and from you.”
“I cried out, ‘forgive me for I had been untrue.’ though I knew that no one could or would hear me.” “And I wondered, who was I calling out to, myself? Someone else? Who? I resigned my self to the echoes of silence that surrounded me and to the dark thoughts that assailed my confused my mind.”
“I broke out in a cold sweat and shivered in the warm morning light and I knew that I had been untrue and I also knew what I had to do to be at peace with myself and with the world around me. I resolved that this would be my day of absolution and change and that the real me would be revealed for the world to see. I paused and reflected upon my previous thought; ‘the world’, no not the world but one individual in that big world, one whose gaze liquefies my heart and brings about an indescribable sense of joy.”
“You see, I dare not tell the truth, for to reveal the truth is but to reveal myself and I fear, fear that all may be lost. But, I must prevail against the spirits that haunt me, you must understand, please. When I look into your eyes, passion and desire, love and longing are unleashed by my heart. I long to tell you these things, I long to touch you, to kiss you, to embrace you and be one in thoughts, spirit and heart with you, yet silence is the order of the day.”
“I have hidden the real me for fear and in doing so I had been untrue to myself.” This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. “So here I sit with the stream rising from my coffee and people bustling about and a new song playing over the speakers, resounding in my mind:”
"You're Beautiful"
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
James Blunt
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Thinking Aloud
I try to never live anticipating the next moment, the next drama, or the next thrill. I try to only live for the moment, this moment, neither in the past nor in the future and to live passionately with or without reason. It is so easy to separate yourself and hide in the dark corners of your mind and body, which only seek to trap and enslave you with fear and doubt. Living a life of “now” never becomes a series of unfulfilling monotony. To break out of the concept or idea of mundane borders and rational thinking is the only way to live a life worth recording, worth living and worth sharing. I sometimes sit at my computer writing conversations with myself concerning what is right, relationships that could be, and people and things that should be left behind, but I never regret living life now.
We travel through this life, some of us forever seeking other states of being, other lives to live, other souls to bond with and often times simply missing out on who we are. We try and measure time the measureless and immeasurable concept of life. Yet the timelessness in you is aware of life’s timelessness and knows that yesterday is but today’s memory and tomorrow is today’s dream, but now is the measure of who you and I really are. Your joy is nothing but your sorrow unmasked for all to see. And the selfsame well deep within from which your laughter rises is oftentimes filled to overflowing with your tears. When you’re sorrowful, look again into your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight, but now is lost or gone forever. We morn and grieve more for our own sense of loss, than realizing in the moment of now, there is no loss or pain. Somedays I grieve and somedays I'm in pain, yet I wouldn't change anything that has happened or will happen in the future, this is all part of who I am and who I will become. Change will happen.
Till next time, live in peace, live in love and live now.
We travel through this life, some of us forever seeking other states of being, other lives to live, other souls to bond with and often times simply missing out on who we are. We try and measure time the measureless and immeasurable concept of life. Yet the timelessness in you is aware of life’s timelessness and knows that yesterday is but today’s memory and tomorrow is today’s dream, but now is the measure of who you and I really are. Your joy is nothing but your sorrow unmasked for all to see. And the selfsame well deep within from which your laughter rises is oftentimes filled to overflowing with your tears. When you’re sorrowful, look again into your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight, but now is lost or gone forever. We morn and grieve more for our own sense of loss, than realizing in the moment of now, there is no loss or pain. Somedays I grieve and somedays I'm in pain, yet I wouldn't change anything that has happened or will happen in the future, this is all part of who I am and who I will become. Change will happen.
Till next time, live in peace, live in love and live now.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Summery
I used to invest a lot of effort - physically and emotionally - into trying to please everyone, whether or not they were really beneficial to my life. I'm not talking about people who can offer me material advantages. I mean the ones who offer value beyond invaluable - a lifetime of faith when you don't believe in yourself, strength to carry you when you're too weak to stand on your own. People who will be there no matter what, and I thought you were one of those, no questions asked, even if you can't remember when you last saw or spoke to them.
I'm learning that I cannot please everyone. I'm unable to stretch myself so thin and be content, and I'm not being selfish when I place priority on my own happiness. I'm sorry; I can only give so much and I’m learning to take what I want and what I need.
I'm learning to recognize who are keepers and who aren't worth my time and effort. Who, if they weren't in my life, wouldn't be a great loss to me? It all comes down to that doesn't it? You measure value by how much your life would suck without that something or someone, intangible or not. I'm learning to count on that value and not struggle to maintain something I could, in all honesty, do without.
You know who you are. I've completely given up on you. Everyone, especially all my friends at work and they all know about us now, tell me they don't understand why I've even tolerated you thus far, and I'm a bit puzzled myself. I usually don't give so many chances. It's odd.
I don't hate you, though I should; after all you are pretty hateful. Someone who was very close to you told me so. I can't assign you that much importance though - the clichéd "fine line between love and hate" isn't a cliché without reason. You can only truly hate someone who means that much to you, and I've learned to let go. I don't feel; much, except perhaps the odd twinge of nostalgia.
I'm glad this has happened. You were right, it's best for both of us. I don't want to invest in this betrayal relationship any longer. It's not worth it. Tremendous input, negligible output. I don't doubt that you'll have a lot to say in argument to this entry. I understand it's only your bluster and self-pity kicking in as a defense mechanism (as it always does). I also expect you to have all your friends backing you up because you can be persuasive when you put your mind to it, and none has more convincing power than the one who's convinced himself. And you - you're definitely convinced of your own victimization.
Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to the best years that are going to be. Juggling a heavy workload, new passions, adventures, relationships, activities and a very active social life is taking a toll on my health (and possibly my mind, who knows or cares?).
I've also been the subject of a lot of unnecessary crap recently, like bitchy women who need to get, a whole lot of things, especially a life, getting their facts right and a grip on reality being at the top of the list.
If there's something I've gotten over with in the past month and a half (or at least I like to think so) it's my cynicism. I'm less cynical, more, self-assured. I know I'll get over this fine. If there are easily 50 million people who are nice, kind, sweet, thoughtful etc, then why do you love who you do? What inimitable or rare trait does he or she possess to make him/her one of a kind - the sui generis in a sea of mediocre replicas? So, what makes him or her the superhero you see? What is that elusive quality that the other 50 million people are missing? Is it the memories you share? The time you spend together, the interests you have in common, or simply the unique blend of traits which makes up an individual that complements yours perfectly.
I suppose this is one of those things which aren't meant to be questioned simply because there aren't answers - logical ones at least. One of those things you cannot put in a box and slap a definition or price tag on, because then it instantly becomes worthless and meaningless. But I'm curious anyway. What do you think?
I'm learning that I cannot please everyone. I'm unable to stretch myself so thin and be content, and I'm not being selfish when I place priority on my own happiness. I'm sorry; I can only give so much and I’m learning to take what I want and what I need.
I'm learning to recognize who are keepers and who aren't worth my time and effort. Who, if they weren't in my life, wouldn't be a great loss to me? It all comes down to that doesn't it? You measure value by how much your life would suck without that something or someone, intangible or not. I'm learning to count on that value and not struggle to maintain something I could, in all honesty, do without.
You know who you are. I've completely given up on you. Everyone, especially all my friends at work and they all know about us now, tell me they don't understand why I've even tolerated you thus far, and I'm a bit puzzled myself. I usually don't give so many chances. It's odd.
I don't hate you, though I should; after all you are pretty hateful. Someone who was very close to you told me so. I can't assign you that much importance though - the clichéd "fine line between love and hate" isn't a cliché without reason. You can only truly hate someone who means that much to you, and I've learned to let go. I don't feel; much, except perhaps the odd twinge of nostalgia.
I'm glad this has happened. You were right, it's best for both of us. I don't want to invest in this betrayal relationship any longer. It's not worth it. Tremendous input, negligible output. I don't doubt that you'll have a lot to say in argument to this entry. I understand it's only your bluster and self-pity kicking in as a defense mechanism (as it always does). I also expect you to have all your friends backing you up because you can be persuasive when you put your mind to it, and none has more convincing power than the one who's convinced himself. And you - you're definitely convinced of your own victimization.
Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to the best years that are going to be. Juggling a heavy workload, new passions, adventures, relationships, activities and a very active social life is taking a toll on my health (and possibly my mind, who knows or cares?).
I've also been the subject of a lot of unnecessary crap recently, like bitchy women who need to get, a whole lot of things, especially a life, getting their facts right and a grip on reality being at the top of the list.
If there's something I've gotten over with in the past month and a half (or at least I like to think so) it's my cynicism. I'm less cynical, more, self-assured. I know I'll get over this fine. If there are easily 50 million people who are nice, kind, sweet, thoughtful etc, then why do you love who you do? What inimitable or rare trait does he or she possess to make him/her one of a kind - the sui generis in a sea of mediocre replicas? So, what makes him or her the superhero you see? What is that elusive quality that the other 50 million people are missing? Is it the memories you share? The time you spend together, the interests you have in common, or simply the unique blend of traits which makes up an individual that complements yours perfectly.
I suppose this is one of those things which aren't meant to be questioned simply because there aren't answers - logical ones at least. One of those things you cannot put in a box and slap a definition or price tag on, because then it instantly becomes worthless and meaningless. But I'm curious anyway. What do you think?
Monday, July 23, 2007
Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder if it’s better not to know about certain things, however there are times that a deep rooted insecurity compels you to know them regardless of whether you think you should or not. If you are in a very secure relationship or friendship, you will innately feel like there is less that you need to know and therefore less envy and jealousy that you will feel in that friendship or relationship.
However, the more insecure that you are in a relationship or friendship will fuel a desire to know more and this will drive you to ask worse questions at more inappropriate times. These inappropriate questions will lead to and result in additional stress, which will then lead and contribute to an increased level of jealousy. What a downward spiral we will weave. More jealousy will lead to more stress and questions, which will lead to more jealousy and so on and so on.
So, if you have the innate ability to push the self-destruct button when anything good comes your way, I salute you; envy and jealousy will be your guide and co-pilot for your journey through life.
However, the more insecure that you are in a relationship or friendship will fuel a desire to know more and this will drive you to ask worse questions at more inappropriate times. These inappropriate questions will lead to and result in additional stress, which will then lead and contribute to an increased level of jealousy. What a downward spiral we will weave. More jealousy will lead to more stress and questions, which will lead to more jealousy and so on and so on.
So, if you have the innate ability to push the self-destruct button when anything good comes your way, I salute you; envy and jealousy will be your guide and co-pilot for your journey through life.
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