Meaningless

When it comes to relationships (platonic or otherwise), I've gone through enough ups and downs with people to know that some relationships are worth preserving, no matter how much of your attention or energy you have to expend to maintain them.

And then there are the people you hold at arm's length, who may have rubbed you the wrong way at one point or the other, but after a moment's anger, you just shrug them off and continue to be friendly because it's much more arduous bearing the grudge than to be civil at worse and besides, you’ve realized that they're more or less insignificant in your life and any feelings of resentment that you may bear is more because of your battered ego than any real, lasting hurt.

So, what happens when someone you deeply loved as a friend, a confidant or as a lover, becomes one of those insignificant, meaningless people of your life? Or when something she does that would normally cut you to the core is now only a trifle disconcerting. Or when you realize you no longer think of her warmheartedly. Either way, you've lost all of your respect and love for her; what happens then?

I have been there, no I am there. I have many friends and a family I would never forsake, I have been through arduous trials with them and I know they were worth every bit of my effort that I exerted for them. Conversely, I have been forgotten, shattered and emotionally damaged beyond repair by others who were once the people I lived for.

I am someone today who is who he is because of what he has been through. I am very, very slow to trust, but when I do trust someone, I give it implicitly with no holds barred. I try as often as possible not to hold double standards, though most people do, even down to the smallest detail and I am often indecisive as a result. I am a cold, callous cynic but I wasn't always one; I was romantic, idealistic and naive.

So, how does your past affect your future?

I choke when I try to say "I love you" to someone, even if I do love them, because words have a kind of power of finality, of confirming what you think and how you feel and I am afraid of letting anyone see that. And these words, “I love you” sound strange and thick on my tongue now due to my new found cynical nature.

I like to and do have escape routes planned down to the smallest of details now so that no one will be able to find a way into my heart. And I have no qualms about being skeptical and cold to people who have hurt me one time too many, second chances to me are final chances, and even if it's not enough I have nothing else to offer except a polite indifference. I will walk out on everything if it means that I can protect myself.

The worst of all sins are borne out of love. People die for love all the time, though I cannot imagine why. My personal sin is making myself unhappy because I do not, cannot and will not afford myself another chance at love.

So this all boils down to what happens when someone you love becomes one of those insignificant people in your life?

With me, I walked away. I left my heart, my trust and respect trodden and spat on in the dirt along with any remnants of what might have been a delectable morsel of happiness.