"Poison"

"What Hurts the Most"

"Everything Changes"

"Want to"

"Never Again"

"Welcome to the Black Parade"

Feelings

So here I sit, drinking bottles of water, one right after another, preparing for my yoga class, waiting for those 60 minutes in a overheated room where I will punish my body to the point of exhaustion. I sweat and sweat and feel pains like I have never felt before. It’s the kind of pain that stills that creature stirring in my ribcage and allows me time to be inside my own mind alone. It is the only time I have where I can resist thinking about you and a very dear friend of mine once told me “resistance is futile.”

Sooner or later I will have to find something other than pain to take my mind off you. Whatever it is, I hope it hurts just as much. This, my very last love letter to you, hurts enough for now.
Whatever else can be said for us in the long road of this tragedy, I will say that I never stopped loving you. I will die loving you as fiercely as I ever have, feeling those tendrils of pain creeping up my spine and into my ribcage, choking the very breathe from my body. That love has been enough to carry me this far and it will have to do for my future without you. I will have to adapt. I know this as well as I know you. You just don't have it in you to try. If you did I would be hearing your voice in my ear right now while my hand held yours - I would be able to smell your hair and feel your heat - you would feel the gentle rise and fall of my chest as I cried tears of joy to have you with me, sobbing with that release which I will never know.

I am sobbing now, just letting it come out. It is ok; I keep telling myself and not really believing a word of it though. This is the end of a terrible year for us and the start of a new one. It's all over now. Keep crying, I tell myself, it's all over. It will be ok. Don't be sad, don't be scared. Everything will work out like it has to. It can be no other way. You'll heal, you will heal. Breathe deep and let it take over. Keep breathing, keep breathing - there's nothing to be afraid of anymore. You're almost there.

To hell with this thing called love
if it is love then why does it feel like this
if you loved me then why would you make me feel like this
to hell with this thing called love
I loved you and gave you all of me
and you did nothing but hurt me in return
to hell with this thing called love
you don’t even know how to love
you have to care to love and you don’t care
to hell with this thing called love
all I wanted to do is love you so to hell with love

I Want You To Feel Empty

I want you to wake up in the middle of the night and feel alone. I want you to feel a unfathomable emptiness. I want you to feel a deep bruising in your heart and hollowness in your stomach. I want you to wake up tomorrow and know deep down inside of you that leaving me was a mistake. I want you to rethink every single word that you said, spend hours and hours recreating the conversations that we have had, replacing your goodbyes with pleas for me to stay. I want you to not be able to accomplish anything at all; all I want you to be able to do will be to miss me. I want you to know how empty life has been since you walked away, I want you to beg me to come back, to vow to make everything right, to promise to love me again and not leave. Then maybe, just maybe I will be ok. - Excerpt from "Wants and Wishes"