Friday, October 24, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Chapter Six
In a moment of clarity, I heard those around me speaking…words swirled and faded in and out…”did you see her?” “Yes!” The words faded and echoed in the bright light surrounding me in a warm embrace. Their voices and the words behind them wafted in and out of my ears and reverberated through my mind. I was inundated with fragments of sounds, bits and pieces rolling across the audible spectrum. “Long ugly toes.” “Landing strip.” “Dry chapped skin.”
Then in a moment of long silence, there was an unearthly calm and not a word was uttered. Then the words came crashing over my like waves of rushing waters. “Smelly closet.” “Body odor.” “Hide under the covers.” “Marry for money, not love.” “Do me.”
And again, there was a long white silence with shades of gray overlapping the edges of my vision and the words faded from view as I stood before the crowd gathered in the lobby.
Then it started again, “Greedy.” “Money hungry.” “Pompous and selfish.” On and on the sounds and words came and battered my nearly shattered eardrums. They knew her and she was the object of their discussions. “It’s all about me.” “Don’t trust.” “Hideous mole.” “Clown make-up.” "Wrinkles on her face." "Really, really starting to look old."
Finally, I couldn’t take any more of the noise and covering my ears with my hands, I ran towards the light and the quietness within. I knew in the back of my mind that their words would go on and on and every time that they see her, they will be reminded of the words and they will come back to them and haunt my ears again.
“We held hands and we exchanged bands and practically lived off of the land.”
“And the leaves all fell down and our crops turned brown”
“And who’d ever thought this is how it would end for you and me.”
Then in a moment of long silence, there was an unearthly calm and not a word was uttered. Then the words came crashing over my like waves of rushing waters. “Smelly closet.” “Body odor.” “Hide under the covers.” “Marry for money, not love.” “Do me.”
And again, there was a long white silence with shades of gray overlapping the edges of my vision and the words faded from view as I stood before the crowd gathered in the lobby.
Then it started again, “Greedy.” “Money hungry.” “Pompous and selfish.” On and on the sounds and words came and battered my nearly shattered eardrums. They knew her and she was the object of their discussions. “It’s all about me.” “Don’t trust.” “Hideous mole.” “Clown make-up.” "Wrinkles on her face." "Really, really starting to look old."
Finally, I couldn’t take any more of the noise and covering my ears with my hands, I ran towards the light and the quietness within. I knew in the back of my mind that their words would go on and on and every time that they see her, they will be reminded of the words and they will come back to them and haunt my ears again.
“We held hands and we exchanged bands and practically lived off of the land.”
“And the leaves all fell down and our crops turned brown”
“And who’d ever thought this is how it would end for you and me.”
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Conversational Logic
Woman: You notice we don’t talk any more?
Guy: (reading magazine) Sure we do.
Woman: When?
Guy: (pauses, looks up) Right now.
Woman: This isn’t talking.
Guy: We are talking.
Woman: That’s not what I’m talking about.
Guy: (sighs) What are you talking about?
Woman: Talking. Real talking.
Guy: (puts down mag) Ok. Let’s talk. What do you want to say?
Woman: Nothing…
Guy: (laughs)
Woman: It’s not funny. I’m serious.
Guy: So, talk, really. I’m listening.
Woman: I don’t want to talk. I’m just saying it would be nice if we could.
Guy: Why can’t we?
Woman: We can. It’s just, we don’t.
Guy: OK. I’m going to go back to my magazine. If you want to talk, tell me.
Woman: I want to talk.
Guy: (closes mag)
Woman: Just not right now.
Guy: (reading magazine) Sure we do.
Woman: When?
Guy: (pauses, looks up) Right now.
Woman: This isn’t talking.
Guy: We are talking.
Woman: That’s not what I’m talking about.
Guy: (sighs) What are you talking about?
Woman: Talking. Real talking.
Guy: (puts down mag) Ok. Let’s talk. What do you want to say?
Woman: Nothing…
Guy: (laughs)
Woman: It’s not funny. I’m serious.
Guy: So, talk, really. I’m listening.
Woman: I don’t want to talk. I’m just saying it would be nice if we could.
Guy: Why can’t we?
Woman: We can. It’s just, we don’t.
Guy: OK. I’m going to go back to my magazine. If you want to talk, tell me.
Woman: I want to talk.
Guy: (closes mag)
Woman: Just not right now.
Masks
Over the years, I've stripped the veneer off a myriad of hidden facets of myself, with a vengeance and a purpose.
The masks I've worn over the years are countless, and surely volume does not always predicate value. Most of them have been useless, needless, mindless. Some of them have even been ridiculous in their obviousness. But one or two of them, when viewed up close, when really seen, are disarming in their ability to reveal more than they hide. Like all of the words I just wrote, the mask I wear most frequently is one offering an illusion of disclosure while revealing nothing at all. It's the one that draws people to me, like moths to flame. It's the one that allows them to think they know me better than they ever really will, if only because I'll make sure they never really can. It's the one that holds my ability to forge meaningful new friendships hostage behind its determination to conceal. Why it was constructed, or even when, I cannot say. That I used to wear it every other day, with more ease than my own skin, I cannot deny. And in that truth, it has become the one that reveals the most about myself to me.
Unfortunately, it hides my secrets from me with equal resoluteness, ensuring its continued presence.
The masks I've worn over the years are countless, and surely volume does not always predicate value. Most of them have been useless, needless, mindless. Some of them have even been ridiculous in their obviousness. But one or two of them, when viewed up close, when really seen, are disarming in their ability to reveal more than they hide. Like all of the words I just wrote, the mask I wear most frequently is one offering an illusion of disclosure while revealing nothing at all. It's the one that draws people to me, like moths to flame. It's the one that allows them to think they know me better than they ever really will, if only because I'll make sure they never really can. It's the one that holds my ability to forge meaningful new friendships hostage behind its determination to conceal. Why it was constructed, or even when, I cannot say. That I used to wear it every other day, with more ease than my own skin, I cannot deny. And in that truth, it has become the one that reveals the most about myself to me.
Unfortunately, it hides my secrets from me with equal resoluteness, ensuring its continued presence.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Feelings
So here I sit, drinking bottles of water, one right after another, preparing for my yoga class, waiting for those 60 minutes in a overheated room where I will punish my body to the point of exhaustion. I sweat and sweat and feel pains like I have never felt before. It’s the kind of pain that stills that creature stirring in my ribcage and allows me time to be inside my own mind alone. It is the only time I have where I can resist thinking about you and a very dear friend of mine once told me “resistance is futile.”
Sooner or later I will have to find something other than pain to take my mind off you. Whatever it is, I hope it hurts just as much. This, my very last love letter to you, hurts enough for now.
Whatever else can be said for us in the long road of this tragedy, I will say that I never stopped loving you. I will die loving you as fiercely as I ever have, feeling those tendrils of pain creeping up my spine and into my ribcage, choking the very breathe from my body. That love has been enough to carry me this far and it will have to do for my future without you. I will have to adapt. I know this as well as I know you. You just don't have it in you to try. If you did I would be hearing your voice in my ear right now while my hand held yours - I would be able to smell your hair and feel your heat - you would feel the gentle rise and fall of my chest as I cried tears of joy to have you with me, sobbing with that release which I will never know.
I am sobbing now, just letting it come out. It is ok; I keep telling myself and not really believing a word of it though. This is the end of a terrible year for us and the start of a new one. It's all over now. Keep crying, I tell myself, it's all over. It will be ok. Don't be sad, don't be scared. Everything will work out like it has to. It can be no other way. You'll heal, you will heal. Breathe deep and let it take over. Keep breathing, keep breathing - there's nothing to be afraid of anymore. You're almost there.
To hell with this thing called love
if it is love then why does it feel like this
if you loved me then why would you make me feel like this
to hell with this thing called love
I loved you and gave you all of me
and you did nothing but hurt me in return
to hell with this thing called love
you don’t even know how to love
you have to care to love and you don’t care
to hell with this thing called love
all I wanted to do is love you so to hell with love
Sooner or later I will have to find something other than pain to take my mind off you. Whatever it is, I hope it hurts just as much. This, my very last love letter to you, hurts enough for now.
Whatever else can be said for us in the long road of this tragedy, I will say that I never stopped loving you. I will die loving you as fiercely as I ever have, feeling those tendrils of pain creeping up my spine and into my ribcage, choking the very breathe from my body. That love has been enough to carry me this far and it will have to do for my future without you. I will have to adapt. I know this as well as I know you. You just don't have it in you to try. If you did I would be hearing your voice in my ear right now while my hand held yours - I would be able to smell your hair and feel your heat - you would feel the gentle rise and fall of my chest as I cried tears of joy to have you with me, sobbing with that release which I will never know.
I am sobbing now, just letting it come out. It is ok; I keep telling myself and not really believing a word of it though. This is the end of a terrible year for us and the start of a new one. It's all over now. Keep crying, I tell myself, it's all over. It will be ok. Don't be sad, don't be scared. Everything will work out like it has to. It can be no other way. You'll heal, you will heal. Breathe deep and let it take over. Keep breathing, keep breathing - there's nothing to be afraid of anymore. You're almost there.
To hell with this thing called love
if it is love then why does it feel like this
if you loved me then why would you make me feel like this
to hell with this thing called love
I loved you and gave you all of me
and you did nothing but hurt me in return
to hell with this thing called love
you don’t even know how to love
you have to care to love and you don’t care
to hell with this thing called love
all I wanted to do is love you so to hell with love
I Want You To Feel Empty
I want you to wake up in the middle of the night and feel alone. I want you to feel a unfathomable emptiness. I want you to feel a deep bruising in your heart and hollowness in your stomach. I want you to wake up tomorrow and know deep down inside of you that leaving me was a mistake. I want you to rethink every single word that you said, spend hours and hours recreating the conversations that we have had, replacing your goodbyes with pleas for me to stay. I want you to not be able to accomplish anything at all; all I want you to be able to do will be to miss me. I want you to know how empty life has been since you walked away, I want you to beg me to come back, to vow to make everything right, to promise to love me again and not leave. Then maybe, just maybe I will be ok. - Excerpt from "Wants and Wishes"
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