Thought

"Instead of worring about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire." -- Dale Carnegie

Weekend

Wow! What a great weekend and I'm sorry but I just couldn't make the time to post anything this weekend. I had a friend drop over to the house to spend the weekend with me and we shopped for my son's college dorm room, cooked, cleaned, watched movies and just had a great time.

But, now it's a new week and I'll be hitting it full force bringing you more background information and a sneek peek at the beginning of the end.

Till next time, live Now!!

Cactus

Hello sweetest!

Yes, I am talking/writing to you! I have been thinking long and hard about your cactus gift and I want to share my insight on it with you and it's nothing new but I just wanted to cover it with you again this time in writing.

You gave me the cactus as a reminder that our relationship could be sharp, prickly and hurtful at some point in the future. You said that you just wanted me to remember that. Well, that goes two ways and anytime that you enter into a relationship with anybody, it can be sharp, prickly and hurtful . It's that way for you too! I could give you a cactus and say, "you know, someday this relationship could hurt you, but that's the chance we all take in love." "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Does that sound familiar?

That cactus also represents a future that may never be and I choose not to dwell on that future. I choose only to dwell on what I have right now and what I have now is pleasing and pleasureful and not hurtful.

So, from a broader perspective, the possibility of getting hurt or NOT is spread to both of us and not just to me. Again, I choose to savor what I have and not let a possible future distract me from the present. I think that this may be why I see so many details and can focus so well on you.

So, please just remember that I love you and how special you are to me!

The Doctor

Dawn's Revelation

Dawn's Revelation

“As I sit alone, the steam rises from the cup of coffee that rests on the table before me while people move around me like ethereal spirits. I sense their presence, yet I am truly oblivious to them as they come and go about their madding worldly affairs. A new day dawned just as surly the night will fall, revealing a revelation unlike any other.”

“Over the deafening din of the shadowy people, I hear an eerily familiar song and I pause to reflect on the haunting words that dig deep into my soul and my memories:”

"Goodbye My Lover"
Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'

Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.
James Blunt

“Yet, I digress and get ahead of myself, for you see this day brought with it a new found understanding of what is and what cannot be. I awoken to the days first light and I reflected upon the emptiness that burns deep within me in the dark recesses of my heart, hidden in the corners of my mind and not revealed by human speech. And while I reflected upon my melancholy state a somber voice recanted the words, ‘To thine own self, be true’ and at just the moment, the morning light broke into my room and illuminated my dark world.”

“I raced to my study and immediately began to look for the ‘Complete works of William Shakespeare.’ I found it on the third shelf from the top and pulled hurriedly at the book and fumbled through the table of contents.” “’There’, I cried out. ‘Hamlet”’ “I quickly scanned the pages until I found the passage that preoccupied my thoughts and caused my heart to race.”


Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for.
There ... my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man;
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!

-- William Shakespeare

“The words echoed over and over in my mind, This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.” “Anon and anon they resonated in my mind, haunting, echoing, and causing me to reflect on myself. The emptiness, the hidden thoughts and words pouring over me, consuming ever fiber of my being, ‘Have you been true to yourself?’ The words struck like a dagger, deep, rending and ripping through soft flesh revealing the frailty of what lies within.”

“For in the very moment, I knew that I had not been true, I had hidden part of me from the world, from myself and from you.”

“I cried out, ‘forgive me for I had been untrue.’ though I knew that no one could or would hear me.” “And I wondered, who was I calling out to, myself? Someone else? Who? I resigned my self to the echoes of silence that surrounded me and to the dark thoughts that assailed my confused my mind.”

“I broke out in a cold sweat and shivered in the warm morning light and I knew that I had been untrue and I also knew what I had to do to be at peace with myself and with the world around me. I resolved that this would be my day of absolution and change and that the real me would be revealed for the world to see. I paused and reflected upon my previous thought; ‘the world’, no not the world but one individual in that big world, one whose gaze liquefies my heart and brings about an indescribable sense of joy.”

“You see, I dare not tell the truth, for to reveal the truth is but to reveal myself and I fear, fear that all may be lost. But, I must prevail against the spirits that haunt me, you must understand, please. When I look into your eyes, passion and desire, love and longing are unleashed by my heart. I long to tell you these things, I long to touch you, to kiss you, to embrace you and be one in thoughts, spirit and heart with you, yet silence is the order of the day.”

“I have hidden the real me for fear and in doing so I had been untrue to myself.” This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. “So here I sit with the stream rising from my coffee and people bustling about and a new song playing over the speakers, resounding in my mind:”

"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel.

Of that I'm sure.

She smiled at me on the subway.

She was with another man.

But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw you face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was,

Fucking high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw you face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,

When she thought up that I should be with you.

But it's time to face the truth,

I will never be with you.

James Blunt

Thinking Aloud

I try to never live anticipating the next moment, the next drama, or the next thrill. I try to only live for the moment, this moment, neither in the past nor in the future and to live passionately with or without reason. It is so easy to separate yourself and hide in the dark corners of your mind and body, which only seek to trap and enslave you with fear and doubt. Living a life of “now” never becomes a series of unfulfilling monotony. To break out of the concept or idea of mundane borders and rational thinking is the only way to live a life worth recording, worth living and worth sharing. I sometimes sit at my computer writing conversations with myself concerning what is right, relationships that could be, and people and things that should be left behind, but I never regret living life now.

We travel through this life, some of us forever seeking other states of being, other lives to live, other souls to bond with and often times simply missing out on who we are. We try and measure time the measureless and immeasurable concept of life. Yet the timelessness in you is aware of life’s timelessness and knows that yesterday is but today’s memory and tomorrow is today’s dream, but now is the measure of who you and I really are. Your joy is nothing but your sorrow unmasked for all to see. And the selfsame well deep within from which your laughter rises is oftentimes filled to overflowing with your tears. When you’re sorrowful, look again into your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight, but now is lost or gone forever. We morn and grieve more for our own sense of loss, than realizing in the moment of now, there is no loss or pain. Somedays I grieve and somedays I'm in pain, yet I wouldn't change anything that has happened or will happen in the future, this is all part of who I am and who I will become. Change will happen.

Till next time, live in peace, live in love and live now.

Summery

I used to invest a lot of effort - physically and emotionally - into trying to please everyone, whether or not they were really beneficial to my life. I'm not talking about people who can offer me material advantages. I mean the ones who offer value beyond invaluable - a lifetime of faith when you don't believe in yourself, strength to carry you when you're too weak to stand on your own. People who will be there no matter what, and I thought you were one of those, no questions asked, even if you can't remember when you last saw or spoke to them.

I'm learning that I cannot please everyone. I'm unable to stretch myself so thin and be content, and I'm not being selfish when I place priority on my own happiness. I'm sorry; I can only give so much and I’m learning to take what I want and what I need.

I'm learning to recognize who are keepers and who aren't worth my time and effort. Who, if they weren't in my life, wouldn't be a great loss to me? It all comes down to that doesn't it? You measure value by how much your life would suck without that something or someone, intangible or not. I'm learning to count on that value and not struggle to maintain something I could, in all honesty, do without.

You know who you are. I've completely given up on you. Everyone, especially all my friends at work and they all know about us now, tell me they don't understand why I've even tolerated you thus far, and I'm a bit puzzled myself. I usually don't give so many chances. It's odd.

I don't hate you, though I should; after all you are pretty hateful. Someone who was very close to you told me so. I can't assign you that much importance though - the clichéd "fine line between love and hate" isn't a cliché without reason. You can only truly hate someone who means that much to you, and I've learned to let go. I don't feel; much, except perhaps the odd twinge of nostalgia.

I'm glad this has happened. You were right, it's best for both of us. I don't want to invest in this betrayal relationship any longer. It's not worth it. Tremendous input, negligible output. I don't doubt that you'll have a lot to say in argument to this entry. I understand it's only your bluster and self-pity kicking in as a defense mechanism (as it always does). I also expect you to have all your friends backing you up because you can be persuasive when you put your mind to it, and none has more convincing power than the one who's convinced himself. And you - you're definitely convinced of your own victimization.

Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to the best years that are going to be. Juggling a heavy workload, new passions, adventures, relationships, activities and a very active social life is taking a toll on my health (and possibly my mind, who knows or cares?).

I've also been the subject of a lot of unnecessary crap recently, like bitchy women who need to get, a whole lot of things, especially a life, getting their facts right and a grip on reality being at the top of the list.

If there's something I've gotten over with in the past month and a half (or at least I like to think so) it's my cynicism. I'm less cynical, more, self-assured. I know I'll get over this fine. If there are easily 50 million people who are nice, kind, sweet, thoughtful etc, then why do you love who you do? What inimitable or rare trait does he or she possess to make him/her one of a kind - the sui generis in a sea of mediocre replicas? So, what makes him or her the superhero you see? What is that elusive quality that the other 50 million people are missing? Is it the memories you share? The time you spend together, the interests you have in common, or simply the unique blend of traits which makes up an individual that complements yours perfectly.

I suppose this is one of those things which aren't meant to be questioned simply because there aren't answers - logical ones at least. One of those things you cannot put in a box and slap a definition or price tag on, because then it instantly becomes worthless and meaningless. But I'm curious anyway. What do you think?

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if it’s better not to know about certain things, however there are times that a deep rooted insecurity compels you to know them regardless of whether you think you should or not. If you are in a very secure relationship or friendship, you will innately feel like there is less that you need to know and therefore less envy and jealousy that you will feel in that friendship or relationship.

However, the more insecure that you are in a relationship or friendship will fuel a desire to know more and this will drive you to ask worse questions at more inappropriate times. These inappropriate questions will lead to and result in additional stress, which will then lead and contribute to an increased level of jealousy. What a downward spiral we will weave. More jealousy will lead to more stress and questions, which will lead to more jealousy and so on and so on.

So, if you have the innate ability to push the self-destruct button when anything good comes your way, I salute you; envy and jealousy will be your guide and co-pilot for your journey through life.

30 Day Trial

I am always looking for new ways to motivate myself and I found a very powerful personal growth tool in a 30-day trial to change behaviors or habits. Let’s say you want to start a new habit or behavior like an exercise program or quit a bad habit like smoking. We all know that getting started and sticking with the new habit for a few weeks is the hard part. Once you’ve built up some inertia or momentum, it’s much easier to keep going and make the change permanent.

Unfortunately we often psyche ourselves out of getting started by mentally thinking about the change or changes as something permanent — before we’ve even begun. This can and often is very frightening and intimidating. It almost seems too overwhelming to think about making a big change and sticking to it every day for the rest of your life when you’re still habituated to doing the opposite. The more you think about the change as something permanent, the more you stay put, this goes for everybody desiring to make changes.

But what if you thought about making the change or changes only temporarily — say for 30 days or so — and then you’re free to go back to your old habits? That concept doesn’t seem so hard anymore or as unattainable. Exercise daily for just 30 days, then quit. Maintain a neatly organized desk for 30 days, and then you can slack off. Read for an hour a day for 30 days, and then you can go back to watching TV. These are simple and measurable goals and when you break the project down, more manageable.

Could you do it, could you make a temporary change to a habit that has been plaguing you? Even a temporary change still requires discipline and commitment, but not nearly so much as making a permanent change. Any perceived deprivation is only temporary. You can count down the days to freedom. And for at least 30 days, you will gain a benefit from the changes. It’s not so bad and you can handle it, after all it’s only one month out of your life.

Now if you actually complete a 30-day trial, what’s going to happen? First, you’ll go far enough to establish it as a habit, and it will be easier to maintain than it was to begin it. Secondly, you’ll break the addiction of your old habit during this time. Thirdly, you’ll have 30 days of success behind you, which will give you greater confidence that you can continue. And fourthly, you’ll gain 30 days worth of results, which will give you practical feedback on what you can expect if you continue.

Once you hit the end of the 30-day trial, your ability to make the habit permanent is vastly increased. But even if you aren’t ready to make it permanent, you can opt to extend your trial period to 60 or 90 days. The longer you go with the trial period, the easier it will be to lock in the new habit for life.

So, the short of all of this is, if you haven't heard from me in the last thirty days this posting should explain why the last communication that we had, whether by email, text or voice was on June 22, 2007. This doesn't mean that your wild speculations are correct or even on target, just remember that you tend to be a OMG person without the facts.

Till next time, live in peace and live now!

No Fear of Flying

When I was attending college at Penn State University and in my very first Psychology class, I was introduced to Erica Jung and her book “Fear of Flying” which was required reading for the class. If you haven’t read this yet, I would recommend trying it out just for a different perspective on relationships and human interaction.

Well, after having the Black Scorpion rip my heart out I decided to reread this classic and see if it could provide some insight into my dilemma and perhaps a viable solution. I was looking for anything that would help bury the pain and anguish that rippled up from the gaping hole in my life after having my heart sacrificed to the gods of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.”

After rereading the book over two nights, I understood how easy it is for some people to simply shut down every feeling and emotion that they may have for another individual because they do worship the gods of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.” These to powerful, nearly omnipotent beings (“what’s in it for me” and “excitement”), rule the innermost sanctums of some people and the Black Scorpion in particular. It was only after this divine revelation that I was able to declare that I no longer have any “Fear of Flying” and that life should be lived by the four “F” principles. Much more to come on these principles in a later post.

Till next time, peace, joy and now.

Background Information II

Today's post is not for the faint of heart by any means, so unless you are cold-hearted or like some of us, had your heart removed during a sacrifice to the gods of "excitement" or "what's in it for me", you may not want to reads any further. You have been warned!

In “Maya Human Sacrifices…Say it isn’t so” Herman Smith describes the steps of a human sacrifice:“The intended victim was stripped and painted blue before being led to a courtyard or temple where the victim would be placed face-up over a convex altar-like stone also painted blue. The arms and legs of the victim were held by specially designated priests while a fourth, called the nacom, would penetrate the victim's chest with a flint knife just below the left breast. Reaching inside the chest cavity, the nacom would pull out the still beating heart and hand it to another priest, who would then smear the blood on that idol to which the sacrifice had been made. If the sacrifice had taken place on the top of a pyramid, the corpse would be thrown to the courtyard below where priests of lower rank would skin the victim except for the hands and feet. The skin would then be worn by the officiating priest who would solemnly dance among the spectators “.

Now, the only difference between what the Mayan Priest, the nacom did during the sacrifice and what happened to me is that the priest was offering the sacrifice to any one of the many Mayan gods while the Black Scorpion conducted her sacrifice to two gods, "what's in it for me" and "excitement." This sacrifice is always preformed for these deities at the same time. In my case my heart was ripped out, thrown to the ground, stomped on, spit on and then ever so gently put back with the kind words, "we can still be friends." Remember back to the story of the Scorpion and the Frog and how the scorpion said that he wouldn't sting the frog...

Next: No fear of flying....

Background Information

Research is a very valuable part of any endeavor or undertaking, whether for developing a business plan, managing a household and especially in building and maintaining deep abiding relationships. So, as part of this blog I will be presenting some of my research between posts and my hope is that this information will also provide a deeper insight into the nature of the human or inhuman heart.

Here's a listing of some of the gods and goddesses of the Mayan culture that I will be referencing:

Itzamná was the god of All
Kinich Ahau was god of the Sun
Chac was the god of Rain
Yum Kaax was the god of Corn
Kukulcán was the god of Wind (My favorite)
Ek Chuah was the god of War
Xaman Ek was the god of the North Star
Ix Chel was the goddess of Childbirth
Ix Tab was the goddess of Suicide (Wonder why this one is female?)
Ah Puch was the god of Death
Manik was the god of Human Sacrifice
Bolontiku was the god of the Lower World
Quetzalcoatl, the feathered serpent and Tezcatlipoca were the creators of the Mayan's.

I'll post more about why Kukulcán is my favorite at a later date. Till then, stay in peace and stay in the now.

The Sting Of The Black Scorpion

There's a fable that really describes the dark devious nature of the human soul entitled "The Scorpion and the Frog" and if you're not familiar with it, I would like to present it for your enjoyment, amusement and edification. "One day a scorpion arrived at the bank of a river he wanted to cross, but there was no bridge. He asked a frog that was sitting nearby if he would take him across the river on his back. The frog refused and said, 'I will not, because you will sting me.'
"The scorpion replied, 'It would be foolish for me to sting you because then we would both drown.'
"The frog saw the logic in the scorpion's words, and agreed to carry the scorpion across. But when they were halfway across the river the scorpion stung the frog. The stunned frog asked, 'Why did you sting me? Now we will both die!'
"The scorpion replied, 'Because I'm a scorpion … and that's what scorpions do.'"

Now, you may be asking yourself, "what does this story have to do with this blog?" Well, I think that's the right question to be asking and over the next several months, in story form, I will be answering that very question and many more that haven't even been thought of yet and I will be delving into the true nature of mankind in very exacting detail.

We are like the leopard and we cannot change our spots and even more telling, we don't want to. We tend to be very comfortable in our "skin" and even brag and boast in a very prideful way about how disposable relationships and people are based upon our nature. We live in a "what's in it for me?" and "I require excitement" culture with little regard for lasting relationships.

So, having briefly laid out the initial purpose of this blog, I will tell you this: This is a story of deceit, greed, selfishness and betrayal that spans over ten years. The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent, though no one, I repeat, no one in this story is innocent.

Finally, you may be wondering what the name Oaxactun has to do with any of this and I hope you are. Well, the bottom of the Sacred Cenote at Chichen Itza in Central America has revealed may fine objects of gold and jade along with the skeletal remains of human and animal sacrifices where the heart had been ripped out of the body while it was still beating as an offering to the gods. Blood flowed freely down the sides of the alter as the body was carelessly thrown into the deep dark well below. This blog is a recanting of just such a sacrifice, where the human heart isn't physically ripped from the body, but rather it is broken in the same disregarding manner for the sake of the gods of the human condition "what's in it for me" and "excitement."

This is a tale of the nature of the scorpion, the spots on the leopard and the total cold-hearted disregard for the human heart and certainly not a story about a man named Jed, just bearly keeping his family fed.

Till next time, may you find peace, may you find encouragement, may you find love and may you find now.