Summery

I used to invest a lot of effort - physically and emotionally - into trying to please everyone, whether or not they were really beneficial to my life. I'm not talking about people who can offer me material advantages. I mean the ones who offer value beyond invaluable - a lifetime of faith when you don't believe in yourself, strength to carry you when you're too weak to stand on your own. People who will be there no matter what, and I thought you were one of those, no questions asked, even if you can't remember when you last saw or spoke to them.

I'm learning that I cannot please everyone. I'm unable to stretch myself so thin and be content, and I'm not being selfish when I place priority on my own happiness. I'm sorry; I can only give so much and I’m learning to take what I want and what I need.

I'm learning to recognize who are keepers and who aren't worth my time and effort. Who, if they weren't in my life, wouldn't be a great loss to me? It all comes down to that doesn't it? You measure value by how much your life would suck without that something or someone, intangible or not. I'm learning to count on that value and not struggle to maintain something I could, in all honesty, do without.

You know who you are. I've completely given up on you. Everyone, especially all my friends at work and they all know about us now, tell me they don't understand why I've even tolerated you thus far, and I'm a bit puzzled myself. I usually don't give so many chances. It's odd.

I don't hate you, though I should; after all you are pretty hateful. Someone who was very close to you told me so. I can't assign you that much importance though - the clichéd "fine line between love and hate" isn't a cliché without reason. You can only truly hate someone who means that much to you, and I've learned to let go. I don't feel; much, except perhaps the odd twinge of nostalgia.

I'm glad this has happened. You were right, it's best for both of us. I don't want to invest in this betrayal relationship any longer. It's not worth it. Tremendous input, negligible output. I don't doubt that you'll have a lot to say in argument to this entry. I understand it's only your bluster and self-pity kicking in as a defense mechanism (as it always does). I also expect you to have all your friends backing you up because you can be persuasive when you put your mind to it, and none has more convincing power than the one who's convinced himself. And you - you're definitely convinced of your own victimization.

Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to the best years that are going to be. Juggling a heavy workload, new passions, adventures, relationships, activities and a very active social life is taking a toll on my health (and possibly my mind, who knows or cares?).

I've also been the subject of a lot of unnecessary crap recently, like bitchy women who need to get, a whole lot of things, especially a life, getting their facts right and a grip on reality being at the top of the list.

If there's something I've gotten over with in the past month and a half (or at least I like to think so) it's my cynicism. I'm less cynical, more, self-assured. I know I'll get over this fine. If there are easily 50 million people who are nice, kind, sweet, thoughtful etc, then why do you love who you do? What inimitable or rare trait does he or she possess to make him/her one of a kind - the sui generis in a sea of mediocre replicas? So, what makes him or her the superhero you see? What is that elusive quality that the other 50 million people are missing? Is it the memories you share? The time you spend together, the interests you have in common, or simply the unique blend of traits which makes up an individual that complements yours perfectly.

I suppose this is one of those things which aren't meant to be questioned simply because there aren't answers - logical ones at least. One of those things you cannot put in a box and slap a definition or price tag on, because then it instantly becomes worthless and meaningless. But I'm curious anyway. What do you think?