Chapter: The First, cont.

She reached out her grotesque hand to take hold of my hand and as her long spiny fingers embraced me, an icy chill raced through my body running up and down the length of my spine. I shivered from the intense cold of her touch and as she took my right hand with her icy fingers she gently drew closer towards me. Just then her other arm reached out towards me and touched my shoulder sending another icy shock through my body. Her touch was so cold that my eyes rolled back in their sockets and my mind began to hallucinate. I saw images and heard sounds that I knew could not exist in this room.

I opened my eyes and saw that my room had been transformed or perhaps I had simply been transported to another place by her ice cold touch. No, not transported to another place, but to another time I realized. She was, after all the Past. I stood there on a blistering hot white sandy beach, with people all around me and the roar of the ocean reverberating in my ears. The sun was high above us, beating down on the sand, the people and the ocean before me. Yet, strangely enough, there was no movement anywhere. The people were frozen in place and though I could hear the roar of the ocean, the waves were not moving, they were not crashing into the shore as one would expect. The wispy white clouds high above me were also frozen in place as were the gulls and other seashore birds. And then, another chill ripped through my body as I tried to comprehend and understand this unearthly vision before me.

I tried to turn to face the Past who was now standing next to me and panic raced through my mind. I was unable to move, to breathe. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak or call out. I couldn’t lift a finger. I was frozen in place like all those around me, baking in the hot sun yet, feeling an icy cold throughout my entire being from facing the Past.

In the next moment, it was night, the sun had long since set in the western sky and I knew that I was once again in the Past. I was driving a rental car on an early May night and I was turning onto Noregard Cove.

To Be Continued: Till then live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.

Chapter: The First, cont.

The darkness that was besieging and enveloping me finally prevailed and I succumbed to blissful sleep as my exhausted and emotionally drained body crashed back into the recliner. Instinctively my hand closed in upon the paper it held and crushed it into an unrecognizable crumpled wad as I surrendered to the peaceful stillness of the night.

My mind was tormented by vague shapes, mysterious thoughts and dark dreams as though it were being drawn back to another time and another place. From deep within my thoughts I heard a soft velvety voice calling out to me from a bright spherical shaped light. I could only see the vague outline of a form, lithe and willowy against the blinding whiteness of the glowing sphere. The voice I heard was enticing, mesmerizing and bewitching. As the shape called out to me, the light shimmered and shifted from bright white to hues of electric blue and through all of this brilliance; I could not distinctly tell who or what was calling me. I instinctively raised my arms up in front of my face to shield my eyes from the intense white light, but this proved to be a futile gesture for as her voice summoned me forward into the light, the light glowed brighter and brighter making it harder for me to see into it.

I shambled forward towards the ever blinding light much like a sleepwalker, oblivious and unaware of my surroundings. My arms hung limply at my side as though they were weighed down with heavy lead weights. My feet plodded forward, each step slow and agonizing, for they too felt as though I was wearing lead boots upon them. My head hung limply on my shoulder as if I was a man who had been soundly defeated in battle and I had been taken captive by the victors.

As I finally reached the bright spherical shaped light, the form that was inside of it, that had been calling out to me stepped forth and reveled herself to me. I immediately recognized her hideous grotesque form and recoiled in fear and terror.

She was the past; the past had been calling out to me, beckoning me to come to her to embrace her to join her.

To Be Continued: Till then live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.

Hear The Silence

Chapter: The First

Hear the Silence

I am oblivious to the swirling darkness that surrounds me from a lack of sleep as I sit in my rocker recliner drifting in and out of consciousness. My mind sleepily floats through the swirling mists of the past to the pain and anguish of the present and then to a dark and dismal future seemingly without any hope, without any joy. The silence of this night is deafening and it reverberates through my mind as I succumb to the icy grip of the past and I am drawn back to a time of emotional pain and hurt identical to that which now assails me in this present moment and devastates any and all hopes and dreams for the future. Through the silent darkness of my study, with the only visible light twinkling through the blinds covering a large picture window emanating from houses across the lake as the gently swaying tree branches are buffeted by the warm gentle breezes that are rolling in from the south, I hear the silence. The branches float eerily through the dark night air like ghostly arms waving effortlessly to and fro without sound, without disturbing the stillness of this night.

Suddenly, my melancholy silence is broken by the soft and gentle flutter of a piece of paper which has slipped from my hand and lazily drifts to the floor below. My mind barely perceives these sounds as I continue to drift in and out of consciousness and exhaustion brought on by nearly fifty-six hours without any food, water or sleep. I had long forgotten the stiffness and the aches that I felt the day before brought on by sitting motionless in this very chair and staring out through now tearless eyes at a gloomy and unpromising world beyond this room.

I slowly move forward in my chair and as I strained to cut through the stillness of the night, I bent down to pick up the paper that had slipped from my hand and had so lazily crashed to the floor, deafening me through the tranquil quietness of the night.

As my hand touched the paper resting on the floor at my feet, my mind raced as I recalled the words printed on it that had been burned into my memory with a searing branding iron. These are words, words written just seven days ago, that I will never forget, yet words that were written without meaning, without commitment originating from a deceitful and untrustworthy selfish heart. This is the very same heart that committed the identical cold and cruel treatment to others before and will do so again, for this is the dark nature of this inhuman and self-centered heart.

“Again, how in the world do I deserve such a sweet-heart like you? It is so strange from going from someone who cannot think outside of his wants to you – someone who truly is interested in what I need and desire. YOU are such a treasure. Yes, I’ve said it before and I just have to repeat it again. YOU ARE A TREASURE. How in the world do you manage to do this when you had abandoned all hope? You really do amaze me. Back to your question – I am at a loss for words…YES ME! I know how WE can and could be happier (spending more time together, coming home at the end of the day to one another, me helping you, you helping me and the list goes on and on and on.) But how you can make me happier now – just keep being yourself that is all I ask of you: BE YOURSELF nothing more.

I love you!”

Dry tears cascaded down my cheeks through the deafening silence of the dismal night surrounding me.


To Be Continued: Till then live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.

Prologue

Prologue

The evening sky glowed a fiery crimson red as the sun set behind the stand of trees which over shadowed a beautiful city park to the west on this early spring evening of 2006. The walking trails of the park were crowded with people trying to get the last mile or so of their walk or jog in before the sun set for the day. The wispy clouds and the vapor trails of jets high above this sleepy cove were bathed in hues of red, orange and deep purple while a flock of birds flew by continuing their northward journey. Nearby many of the inhabitants of the quite suburb of Sawyerville went about their daily chores oblivious to the breathtaking beauty displayed high above them as they scurried to and fro preparing themselves for the evening tasks before them, helping their children with their homework, cleaning up after dinner, packing lunches for the next day; all the while hiding their deep dark, well kept secrets from their neighbors, friends and the rest of their quaint community.

Sawyerville is much like any other small suburb of a large metropolitan area with affluent and well to do areas and older less desirable subdivisions which are so simply because of people’s infatuation with status and the need to be held in high esteem and regard by neighbors and friends. Showing off that which we have acquired with money, power and wealth instead of presenting who they are as individuals and having a desire for personal growth and development for themselves and their relationships is one of the signature deficiencies of just such a community. The inhabitants diligently strive to have others center of attention on their exteriors by flaunting their big homes, fancy cars, fashionable clothes, boats and such so that the community will not see the dark side of our personality lurking within each and every one of us. This is a sad testimony to the true nature of the voracious beast that lurks just below the façade we allow other to see and it is a major component that makes up each and every human being.

In just a few short hours, on this very striking and tranquil spring night, on this quite cove nestled deep in the bowels of Sawyerville will erupt from chaos and discord, an unspeakable, veiled evil born out of weakness, imperfection, greed and self will. This explosion of raw unbridled emotions will turn into a chaotic conflict is nothing but an outward manifestation of many years of tumultuous, vicious, belittling, hounding and badgering brought on by the social expectations and insecurities of a mate. And then, what once seemed to the outside world a peaceful, quite and harmonious residence on Sweet Cove will detonate into a suburban inferno of terror and fear, for a festering evil will be released for the world to witness firsthand.

“Listen my children and you shall hear,
A tale of woe and fraught with fear…”

Next: Chapter The First

Till then, live in peace and live now.

Fire and Ice

Fire and Ice



Some say the world will end in FIRE,
Some say it will end in ICE,
My world ends without YOU!

Our love is something that cannot be explained,
It can only felt and shared,
By two hearts sailing across all eternity.
Two shimmering souls,
Simply reflecting the grandeur of the stars above.

We were born in different times and places,
With a vast abyss between us,
How astounding is the destiny that now bind us.

And though it has been years,
For that ineffable bond to express itself,
Romantically,
It ultimately has.

Lo, neither heart could have ever predicted,
The sheer intoxication of our love,
And the unbounded JOY that we share,
That this union has brought into our lives.

The simple exhilaration of holding you,
Touching you,
Kissing you,
Knowing you.

Standing together through the day,
Side by side from,
Sun rise to shadow fall.

My universe of darkness
Explodes into light,
With the thrill of your smile,
All is again, aright.

Our souls chained by a love
Un-proclaimed,
I give of my self to thee to love
For now and forever.

Some say the world will end in FIRE,
Some say it will end in ICE,
My world Begins with YOU!

Eve of Darkness

Eve of Darkness

Woe and alas, again the darkness doth reign,
For I have descended into its lifeless domain.
The ever descending blade has rent me in twain,
Till my heart of flesh, this has been slain,
The depths of my despair I cannot feign.
Grief gushes forth like the cascading rain,
As my love, my life begins to drain.
This maddening pain, doth seek to drive me insane.
For once again from love I must abstain,
Lo, for what I do seems all so in vain.
I seek not to contain,
Nor can I constrain,
This, my emotional hurricane.
So, here I sit looking through this darkened windowpane,
And it is here that I must remain,
Oh, to my disdain,
For your love, your life I cannot ascertain.

Till next time, live in peace, harmony and live Now.

Victims

We live in a world where we perceive time as a linear concept, it presses forward and, as a result of this ever present forward movement, it waits for no one. The only constant in this linear progression of time is change. I will change, you will change, circumstances will change and even time will change. Each new split second brings in a new point of time that has never happened before nor will never happen again and just as importantly; it can never be experienced again in the same way.

Just as important as understanding linear time is the understanding that each and every one of us is exactly who we want to be wherever and whenever we are in this life. Effort, determination, realization and self-assurance are some of the keys that we can use to determine who we are, who we want to be, where we have been and where we will go in this life. We can strive to better ourselves or wallow in self-pity by blaming others for our state in life or our circumstances. However, it is our choices and our choices alone that really determine who we are and where we are.

So, when you are finally brave enough to look into the mirror and you see yourself looking back at yourself and all that you really see is yourself you have become self-absorbed; for very few people will actually take the time or exert any extra effort to see what’s behind the mirror, they are satisfied and content with the image that they see looking back at them.

Please, now just blind me so that I can see again.

Till next time, live in peace and live now.

Difference

If you don't stand up and make a difference, it really doesn't matter what you say you believe in, you really don't.

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Our actions do speak louder than our words, especially when our actions involve what we profess to believe in and matters of the heart, your heart, my heart or the hearts of those we profess to love and care for.

Tergiversation

Hypocrisy reveals its morally despicable self through many different shapes and forms, however it is always preceded by the deities “what’s in it for me” and “excitement” and, in this story, this dastardly duo are an integral pattern woven into the very fabric of ego and self, the ego and self of the very real and cold hearted Black Scorpion.

You see, this is a tale of metamorphosis, of transformation and of tergiversation by the Black Scorpion fueled by the very nature of the scorpion which is akin to the spots of the leopard, unchangeable and immutable.

Communication is the key to maintaining any and all interpersonal relationship and it is rare indeed to find two individuals who desire and are able to communicate on such a level of understanding that it fuels a deep companionship, friendship and connection. This bond was continuously strengthened by renewed communication with the intent of building each other up, purposefully and methodically.

The Black Scorpion revels in this type of interpersonal communication which is designed to make her the center and focus of attention, which is a very real egotistical weakness easily exploited by that dastardly duo, “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.” And once the foundation has been laid by the dastardly duo of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement”, the relationship is ripe for conquest and destruction by Hypocrisy.

The razor sharp tongue of the Black Scorpion is verily as sharp and deadly as the poisonous barb protruding from the tip of her lethal tail. When she isn’t the focal point or center of attention she claws and bites at her companion and friend with an unrelenting force like that of a rabid animal until her companion relents and gives in to her vicious assault.

Over time, this behavior becomes more and more pronounced and occurs more frequently as the Black Scorpion vies for the attention and focus of those around her, then and only then will Hypocrisy unleash his deadly assault and enter into the Dance of Mephisto.

For me, this incident occurred one day when the Black Scorpion’s ever so sharp tongue told a partial truth concerning a visitation, undoing the goal and purpose of the communication and reintroducing a deep pain and hurt from years long since past. An old wound, reopened. An old scar torn open again and issuing forth a flood of anguish, of feelings and pain not felt for a decade of life. A pain so intense and so agonizing that I retreated into the dark recesses of my mind, seeking the reasons of why and how did this happen? I needed, no required time to mend and heal the deep wounds that had been ripped opened once again.

Cold and uncaringly the Black Scorpion gave open access to the dastardly duo of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement” to her ego and self and demanded all attention and focus be on her. She would not allow time the time necessary to heal the wound that she had ripped open and she continued to claw and bite at the open skin, all the while dripping her poisonous venom into the gash. No compassion was shown by the Black Scorpion for the pain she had inflicted upon her friend.

Though months had passed the pain and hurt from this reopened wound festered and lingered in the back of my mind. All the while, the Black Scorpion was hiding her deceit, her lie from the light of day. Her visitation was not just a one time event, but had continued on giving a deeper foothold to “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.”

Finally Hypocrisy entered into view from the swirling fog enshrouded mists that emanated from that dastardly duo. His long boney hands grasped and bound the very soul of the Black Scorpion and from her lips issued forth a command, “leave me alone, don’t call, I need time to think.” She had no intention of returning any calls, she was weak she later said.

No greater blasphemous Hypocrisy could have been uttered. The deities of “what’s in it for me” and "excitement” had full reign in her dark soul. Where before she would bite and claw to maintain being the center and focus of attention when someone else was hurt, she now shut them out and left them to guess and wonder. This is the Hypocrisy of the Black Scorpion to cover up any twinge of guilt that may have been hiding deep in the darkness of her soul.

Tergiversation - noun

1 : evasion of straightforward action or clear-cut statement
2 : desertion of a cause, position, party, or faith


Next: “Excitement” Till then, live now.

Of Passages and Longings

Of Passages and Longings


Anon and anon, time passes on,
into the mists of long lost Avalon.
It does not wait, nor does it abide,
for no man can be its guide.

It courses through uncharted water,
as searching for Poseidon’s daughter .
Diving depths, skimming shallows,
crashing waves upon the archipelagos.

Chances missed, chances lost,
at best an afterthought.
Form together, decompose,
All of this does time expose.

Longings true, longings deep,
aside these time cannot sweep.
Yearnings intimate, yearnings for you,
for these time cannot subdue.

A Question Answered

A Question Answered

Of why and how a question was asked,
and for this my heart I must unmask.
I love you for these and other things,
you’re the dew on a field in a morning of spring.
You’re honest and open for all to see,
and yet in that there is the irony.
You try and hide behind shadows and walls,
like the grass beneath the first snowfalls.
You’re kind and gentle and have good rapport,
for those you call “friend”, you always support.
Your beauty is like the new daybreak,
the soft and gentle kiss of a snowflake.
You laugh and cry, fight and prevail,
and yet you hide behind a veil.
You’re so alive and will to survive,
my strength from you this I can derive.
I love you for these and other things,
for you, my love, I would do anything.

Dancing with Mephisto

It has been recanted over and over throughout history and it is oh so very true, “It doesn’t matter what you feel, it matters what you do to and for the people that you say you love.”

Our feelings wax and wane like the wispy clouds flowing high above us on a blustery day. They come and go, not dependent upon anything save our moods, the emotional state of our being or our juxtaposition with those we say we supposedly love and care for. Unfortunately we allow our feelings to become the emotional playthings of Mephisto along with the ancient deities, “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.” These three dance among men as not but shadowy specters wrecking havoc, discord and strife with every relationship their cold boney hands touch.

We are called by a higher purpose, to guard and protect our hearts for the sake of those we say we love and care about, all the while ignoring the whims of emotion and the mockery of mere feelings. Love is not an emotion or a feeling; it is a commitment of the heart and soul. We are called to abide in our words and let our actions speak of our love and commitment to one and another all the while acknowledging that we are engaged in a dance with emotional ruin and pain lurking behind each next step.

Our feelings are merely a plaything during the dance of Mephisto while he is being supported by the musical accompaniments of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.” These three labor in unison planting the seeds of discord and strife as their madding music plays on, rending even the strongest of human commitments asunder. These three intimately know the black nature of man, the unchanging spots of the leopard and the dark nature of the Black Scorpion.

As we dance with Mephisto and his unholy band we give in to our feelings, our whims of mere emotion and let Hypocrisy enter into the fray as we spin faster and faster down into the black dizzying void of the self. It is in this confused state of vertigo that we let go and fail to remember that it really matters what we do to and for those who we say we love and commit our hearts to. Instead of remembering this, we cling to the feelings of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement” and we lose our way back to reality; we heartily embrace Hypocrisy and hold on for fear of losing our very lives. Our arms flail about our ever faster spinning body, our legs become weak and will not support our carcass, our mind and thoughts becomes distorted and confused and we gladly give ourselves, body, soul and very life to these unholy three.

“I remember the night, the unsettling darkness that was over shadowing my very being. My thoughts were being assailed by black visions and shapes, indistinct and ghostly, like wisps of smoke rising from a dying ember against the gloomy sky. It was from these dark corners of my mind that I first glimpsed an indistinguishable figure moving towards me. I recoiled in terror as the shape; no shapes became clearer as the fog was lifted from before my vision and I heard the most unholy music resounding and echoing through the darkness.”

“There, taking shape in the mists before me was Mephisto, wildly dancing with the Black Scorpion, her arms flailing about, her hair wickedly thrashing through the air with a lost, confused but completely evil countenance upon her face. Behind them stood ‘what’s in it for me’ and 'excitement’ playing grotesque instruments made from the broken hopes and dreams of men and women.”

“The music played louder and louder as another figure entered the room and stepped forward, bowed and extended a boney hand. Hypocrisy said, ‘May I have this dance, my dear Black Scorpion?’ Gleefully the Black Scorpion accepted his offer and took his hand and his embrace. As they swirled around the room at a dizzying pace his decaying lips moved closer and closer to the Black Scorpions lips and I could almost smell his fetid breath as they kissed passionately and deeply. The Black Scorpion had given over completely and totally to her true nature.”

“What transpired next comes as no surprise to those who have felt the sting of the Black Scorpion. She left the embrace of Hypocrisy and moved with surreptitiousness across the floor edging closer and closer to the bed that I laid upon. In terror, I tried to get up and flee, but the unholy music seemed to bind my arms and legs to the very fabric of the bed and I was unable to even lift one finger.”

“She climbed on top of me as a chilling new fear swept over my body, one that I had felt before. For you see, this is not the first time that this Black Scorpion had abandoned my heart for ‘what’s in it for me’ and ‘excitement.’”

“Her claws caressed my flesh and I could smell the decaying fetid breath of Hypocrisy emanating from her lips and her mouth. I struggled with all my might to break free of these bonds holding me under her sway, but this struggle was to no avail. She leaned over and ever so gently brushed my lips with hers. Terror gripped my failing heart as I saw the shadow of her barbed tail rise out of the mists swirling around us as the music continued to wildly echo through the darkness.”

“As the music reached its crescendo, I felt the pressure and weight on my body increase and then, her tail struck. Her long, shining barb impaled itself deep into my chest, rending flesh, crushing bone and plunging deep into my pulsating heart. I writhed in agony as I felt her poison being pumped into my heart and its burning as it coursed through my veins. Pain and anguish ripped through my body, but this was nothing next to the agony yet to come.”

“The Black Scorpion smiled an evil smile as she ripped her barbed tail out of my chest removing my heart with it and there, before my very eyes, was my still beating heart. She held it up like some sort of warrior’s trophy and howled gleefully and she waved it high above her head.”

“As the music began to fade, she looked deep into my eyes and ever so gently placed my punctured heart back into the gaping hole that was once my chest, saying ‘we can still be friends, if you like.’”

“I awoke drenched in sweat and grasped my chest and found it to be whole. But, what I thought was but a dream was in truth a nightmare. The Black Scorpion had visited me and danced with Mephisto and Hypocrisy while ‘what’s in it for me’ and ‘excitement’ played instruments of broken hopes and dreams. I still feel the poison of that encounter coursing through my veins, burning and stinging and for who knows how long will this continue.”

Thankfully, God does not base his love for us upon simple feelings and he has shown and continues to show what true commitment and love is through the sacrifice of His Son on the cross for our sins of “what’s in it for me” and “excitement.”

Upcoming: The story of Hypocrisy, Mephisto and ‘The night of terror, April 2006’. Till then, may your dreams be peaceful and may you live now.

Haunted

Haunted

Memories flood in the darkness,
and I must confess.
I toss and turn,
my mind on its endless sojourn.
Fever and sweat,
by these am I beset.
Fear grips my heart,
for in my dream you depart.
I reach out my hand to you,
to hold on to the last residue.
And yet you declare,
do not despair.
I awake with a start,
the pounding of my heart.
Gasping for breath,
visions of the specter of death.
All seems lost…hope, joy, love,
in the blackness thereof.
Again, the dream,
with the same theme.
I see you smile,
and feel my exile.
I smell your perfume,
there in my gloom.
I feel your soft touch,
and long for it as much.
Haunted by a love that grew,
Haunted by the memory of you.

Ten Year Have Got Behind You

In 1973 Pink Floyd released "The Dark Side of the Moon" album with a song on it entitled "Time." These words have echoed in my mind and haunted me ever since I first heard them, "And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. " And I used to think that these words were true, due in part to it being so easy and so much an integral part of our nature to blame others for our lack of courage to stand up for what is true and right, or even to accept blame for our weaknesses and fears. We look to others to find fault, because no one told us when to run.

We look for excuses to justify our behaviors, our fears, our betrayals and our carelessness with others feelings, hopes and dreams. We blame events, people and situations to free ourselves from the shackles of guilt while never realizing or acknowledging that it is in our nature, which we do not want to change, to worship the deities of "what's in it for me" and "excitement." However, the long term lingering damage from such betrayals affect ourselves, our children and others.

Over ten years ago I wrote the following poem as a lasting memento to one such betrayal only to see it repeated again, after all, "it's what scorpions do."

The Scent Of Fear

“It was new and exciting,” was all that was said,

And it gripped my heart with icy dread.

Where is the passion, oh, where is the flame,

Oh, how quick those to be so tame.

The scent of fear overwhelmed my heart that day,

As passion and lust were swept away.

Like the jungle that reclaims the discarded ruin,

I’m overrun with fear enshrouded herein.

Bright lights shown in the eyes,

Blind, freeze and mystify.

My heart and soul bared in the dusk,

Become a twisted and contorted husk.

Darkness and loneliness terrify,

As the scent of fear doth crucify,

This heart once full of love and joy,

The scent of fear seeks to destroy.