A Musing

Most recently, I found that I've been fighting a war within my mind, a conflagration of sorts if you will. It seems that the more I discover about myself; my likes, my wants, my needs, my desires, the more I wish I was someone else. And I found that I want to be someone in particular who is cold and callous, without any regard for the feelings of others. I want to be someone who is self-centered, vain, conceited, high maintenance and has to be the center of attention all the time. I want to be someone who can turn and walk away from commitments and relationships without giving any reasons why or even caring beyond their own primal desire for excitement. Perhaps I want to be someone just like you.

And then I found that if I were watching myself from high above, you know, the proverbial thirty thousand foot view, I would probably see my shoulders sagging, with my eyes lowered as I plod along listening intently and without blinking to a song on the radio that echoes through my mind from long ago, “Someone saved my life tonight...someone saved my life tonight...” From this vantage point, it appears that I am just going about my worldly struggles in a zombie like state with a demon pursuing and barking after me like some rabid dog. I attempt to chase it away and I try and scare it off, I even laugh at it, but most of the time, to preserve what little sanity I have left, I simply pretend I don't even see or hear it. When I do ignore it, it goes away for a day or two but it always sniffs its way me back like a blood hound on the trail of its prey. And each time it returns with madness glowing in its eyes and looking a little different than the time before. Sometimes I simply fight it again; and sometimes I let it consume and devour me. I guess this feeling is all the more reason to want to be more like you.

So, last night, I finally slept in the darkness, the black, black darkness. I closed my eyes and prayed until I lost count of my own words, my own thoughts, until I drifted to an abyss as deep as the gaping hole in my soul all the while wishing I was just like you.

Till next time: Live in peace, live with hope and live NOW.